Summer 2015

This wasn't exactly the summer holiday I was expecting. Before heading home, I had so much fear in me, most of which really did happen during my three months being back home. I feared having to face the mess at home. I feared being distant from God. I feared the thought of having to say goodbye after getting myself comfortable.

The first quarter of the summer break was nothing less than amazing. The mission trip that changed my life took place. I was revealed so much of God's power and presence, I saw what it meant by laying your life down and carrying the cross, I learned about forgiveness. All in all, I truly experienced God's love and faithfulness. Followed by that was a youth camp held by my church in which I was asked to help facilitate. Initially the camp was rather slow-paced but during the last session when I saw so many souls break down knowing the fact that they have been deceived by the evil one, I couldn't contain my emotions. It was indeed a wake up call for me.

Sadly, that fire died down way too quickly than I expected. Once home, I was overwhelmed with a hectic schedule once again. I spent most of the time catching up all those TV series episodes that I missed. A family trip was also planned. The ongoing war at home just made things worse. I know I shouldn't put the blame on the circumstances at home for me slacking in all aspects of my spiritual walk, but somehow it did. Fear #1 and #2 occurred simultaneously.

I signed up for three Bible plans, and am behind schedule for all of them. I saw my sister doing her daily devotion and guilt ate me, but that feeling didn't last for too either. I stopped my own daily prayers and devotion and Bible reading. What made things worse was I took up the role of mentoring two other pals from church. I felt as if I was preparing sessions/materials as if I'm preparing for a lecture instead of to help us all grow closer to God. I felt as if I'm in this race alone. I felt that my gauge was already in the below zero region. I couldn't hear God. That is probably the worse feeling ever, after having been so close to Him for a long period. 

But I did not listen to the voice in me calling me to turn back.

I carried on with my agendas. I took up an internship position in a semiconductor company. I indulged myself in more TV series and movies. I played the piano. I attended youth fellowships but they all felt like social gatherings to me. I met up with several old friends. I swam. I tried to keep myself occupied with activities after activities but all those could only fill my time but not the emptiness in my heart. I was once told, there is a God-sized hole in everybody's heart that can only be filled by Him and Him alone. People who have yet to know Him will always be searching. I guess I learned it the hard way.

On the other hand, as far as I would like to run away from reality, I will never be able to outrun His grace and mercy. On so many occasions, His interventions were so visible that they felt like smacks in my head calling me to turn back. A very good example would be getting the tutoring position that I applied for. I was convinced that there are many other better candidates who deserve that spot but I got it. Definitely it was not because of luck.

This wasn't exactly the summer holiday I was expecting. But I learned two very important lessons: there is an emptiness in everyone that only God can satisfy and never try to outrun God's arms because you will fail, no doubt. There is no such thing as 'I can only draw close to God when I am away from home' because he is omnipresent. Temptations will arise, but we will need the determination to overcome. After all, we are more than conquerors. 

"And I find myself here on my knees again, caught up in grace like an avalanche."