A while
ago, a friend of mine came to me and asked me if I had been a Christian all my
life. I told him that there really is no such thing. Nobody is born a
Christian; it is conscious decision that one will have to make him/herself. And
I told him that the first time I said the sinner's prayer was when I was nine,
if that was what he was asking for. He then asked me if I have ever doubted God
or felt like I was so far from God that I didn't feel like a Christian anymore.
His question brought me back to four years ago when I went through by far, the
toughest times in my life.
I did not
only doubt God. I blamed Him for all that I had to go through. All the anger
and frustration that was in me, I lashed it all out on Him. I demanded an
answer from Him, wanting to prove that I did not deserve to suffer. After a
couple of months, I thought I had resolved the issue within myself, only to
realise that all the while I was just running away. It really did not take much
for the unresolved issues to resurface whenever it was triggered by external
circumstances.
But it
was through that period of hardship that I really saw who God really is in my
life. Have I ever felt like I am no longer a Christian anymore? Yes, I
definitely had. But what made me come back was the revelation that no matter
how hard times are, or how far away I run, my God is a God who will never
forsake me. In fact, He is one who would piggyback me when I am drowning in the
storm. As I am writing this, I am reminded of a poem that I once read:
FOOTPRINTS
(I HAD A DREAM)
One night
I dreamed a dream
I was
walking along the beach with my Lord
Across
the dark sky flashed scenes from my life
For each
scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and
one to my Lord.
When the
last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the
sand
There was
only one set of footprints
I
realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life
This
always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma
"Lord,
You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all
the way
But I'm
aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set
of footprints
I just
don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."
He
whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never,
ever, during your trials and testings
When you
saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."
It took
me four years to fully walk out of my struggles. It took me four years to
finally let go off all the burdens. But ultimately, that four years of pain
made me discover so much more of God's unfailing love. And that itself made the
four years worth it.
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