The knot on a rope

I've never actually talked about my previous relationship. I guess I was just unwilling and unready to accept the fact that it happened. But a conversation with a friend recently got me thinking about this issue once again. 

"Why do people settle for something less when they know they shouldn't?" That's like asking, why do people still smoke when they know it's bad for their health? In my opinion, there is no perfect answer to that question, it can be due to desperation, loneliness, dependence etc. 

My friend was telling me how she used to be so emotionally attached to a guy whom she knew she shouldn't be together with. And when she finally got back to her senses, it took her four years to fully forgive herself, despite knowing the fact God has already forgiven her long ago. She then questioned God, why did He have to let her walk through that four years of suffering and pain. Later on, when she looked back, she finally understood. All along, it was God's plan to let her stand firm on her decision to pray for the right person and the qualities she wants to see in him, and to obediently wait for God's timing. 

Her story reminded me so much about myself. The only differences are that I've actually stepped into that relationship knowing that I shouldn't, and that I didn't take as long to recover. For a long time, I lived in the shadow of guilt and self-reproach. I used to read books about relationships and thought, who in the right mind will do such things? Until I made those mistakes myself. And when I looked back at those books after everything ended, each sentence seemed to be screaming out to me, YOU FOOL!

People say I look strong, people say I look mature, people say I look independent. But all these don't prevent one from making mistakes. I am so painfully human. 

Ask me if I regret stepping into my previous relationship, and my answer will be no. I've made my mistake, and because of that, today, I realize I am so much more determined of what kind of a person I want my significant other to be. I am no longer easily swayed or persuaded. I guess I just had to learn it the hard way.