Twenty Fifteen

Seated across the table were my friends, talking about getting part-time jobs while juggling with their studies, working out and getting tanned et cetera, while here I was in deep thought: everyone's lives are so different from one another. One thing for sure, so very different from mine. They worry about different things than I do. They are passionate about different things than I am. They hold different things close to their hearts than I do. The smallest decisions that each of us make daily eventually lead us down paths that are so different from the person next to us.

As I laid down by the lake and gazed at the stars on display before me, I couldn’t help but think of how small and insignificant I am, being a part of the universe. Well, I turned 21 this year. See, usually turning twenty-one is a big deal to many, but now, comparing it with the splendour of creation just puts everything into perspective. Yes, indeed it's just a matter of perspective. It's really moments like these that make me feel like I shouldn’t be stressing out so much over things that I have no control over.

"I don't know how your 2015 was like. It could have been smooth-sailin'; it could have been such a roller coaster ride that you're thinking 'there's no way I'm gonna repeat the year', but why not we still choose to thank God for the year," he said. I guess mine was the latter. I started off the year with a great plunge, not like how anyone would love to start their year.

"Sometimes God allows us to go through tough times in order to wake us up. God sometimes uses alarming circumstances or uncomfortable situations to bring us back to Him."

This was a year in which

I lost someone very close to my heart;

I was challenged to surrender my dreams and plans;

My darkest past was dug up;

I've made many mistakes, big ones and small ones;

I was pushed out of my comfort zone;

There were countless nights when I had to cry myself to sleep.

"When we are tested, we can choose to complain or we can try to see God's blessings in disguise and how He is stretching us to develop our character."

However, this was also a year in which God had spoken so much to me, in all possible methods, even at times when I know I was so distant from Him. Some might think that it's creepy, but to me, it was a continuous reassurance that no matter how messed up I am, He is there and is always reaching out to me. 

"We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed bit not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned struck down but not destroyed."

This was a year in which

I was provided a job when I thought all doors were closed;

I was freed from the burden that had weighed me down for years;

I was taught to be humble in serving;

I witnessed the living testimonies of God honouring people when they choose to honour Him;

I've learned that however big of a planner I am, God is still a bigger planner (FYI, planners don't like their plans being messed up by someone else);

I was encouraged and inspired by the hearts who never grow weary in serving God;

I saw God's protection over my family while we were travelling;
I had friends who visited and friends who walked with me through hard times;

I discovered hidden talents that God has granted me, of which I've decided to put into good use;
I managed to finish the Bible in a year (finally, after 21 years!).

"Though the fig tree does not bud, and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen, and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour."

It's just a matter of perspective, whether you want to choose to be grateful for how much you had grown from the challenges you encountered, or be bitter about the hardships you had to go through.

2015, thank you for shaping me into who I am today, but even if given a chance, I wouldn't want to relive the year. 2016, for what you have in store, bring it on! 

I had a dream

A while ago, a friend of mine came to me and asked me if I had been a Christian all my life. I told him that there really is no such thing. Nobody is born a Christian; it is conscious decision that one will have to make him/herself. And I told him that the first time I said the sinner's prayer was when I was nine, if that was what he was asking for. He then asked me if I have ever doubted God or felt like I was so far from God that I didn't feel like a Christian anymore. His question brought me back to four years ago when I went through by far, the toughest times in my life.

I did not only doubt God. I blamed Him for all that I had to go through. All the anger and frustration that was in me, I lashed it all out on Him. I demanded an answer from Him, wanting to prove that I did not deserve to suffer. After a couple of months, I thought I had resolved the issue within myself, only to realise that all the while I was just running away. It really did not take much for the unresolved issues to resurface whenever it was triggered by external circumstances.

But it was through that period of hardship that I really saw who God really is in my life. Have I ever felt like I am no longer a Christian anymore? Yes, I definitely had. But what made me come back was the revelation that no matter how hard times are, or how far away I run, my God is a God who will never forsake me. In fact, He is one who would piggyback me when I am drowning in the storm. As I am writing this, I am reminded of a poem that I once read:

FOOTPRINTS (I HAD A DREAM)

One night I dreamed a dream

I was walking along the beach with my Lord

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand

There was only one set of footprints

I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life

This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way

But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints

I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings

When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

It took me four years to fully walk out of my struggles. It took me four years to finally let go off all the burdens. But ultimately, that four years of pain made me discover so much more of God's unfailing love. And that itself made the four years worth it. 

Human Logic

Sometimes, God keeps quiet. But today, it just wasn't the 'sometime'. In fact, He was extremely vocal.

It started off right at the beginning, during pre-service prayer. We read about the five loaves and two fishes in the book of John. Always I see this scripture from God's point of view, seeing how great Jesus is when we entrust him with the little that we have. But today, it spoke to me very differently. The boy gave Jesus ALL that he had. It's like the case of the poor widow with two copper coins. The disciples knew that they didn’t have enough, which was why they chose not to give. But the boy had little, yet chose to entrust ALL that he had to God. It just made me reflect on my life, how much of my resources have I entrusted God with?

While praying, I was thinking of the calculative mindset I always have. Me being Asian, I tend to calculate how much more I need to save up for my own needs and not responding to the spirit when I need to. This is how much I get a month, and I will have to take away my rent, my bills and whatnot, and I will have...uhh just this much left for you, God. A sudden feeling of shame came over me. There's just so much more that I can do.

A figure popped in my head out of the blue halfway through the sermon. It felt like God was telling me to pledge that much for the church building fund. 'God are you crazy?!' was my immediate response. That's double of what I gave last year, and more than half of my allowance. But but...if I tithe, and give offering, and cook for cell group and bless others, I won't have enough left to give You that much! All the excuses started flooding in. It's ironic how today's sermon was about faithful giving - not reasoning with the economy of the world but of heaven.

"Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously." God has promised us blessings when we give generously unto His kingdom, but it is us who will have to unlock His blessings. He blesses us not only so that we will be blessed, but so that we will be blessed to bless others. It's rather profound, and it's almost unexplainable by human logic. But our God doesn't work with human logic, and so we should not try to understand Him with human logic.  

Summer 2015

This wasn't exactly the summer holiday I was expecting. Before heading home, I had so much fear in me, most of which really did happen during my three months being back home. I feared having to face the mess at home. I feared being distant from God. I feared the thought of having to say goodbye after getting myself comfortable.

The first quarter of the summer break was nothing less than amazing. The mission trip that changed my life took place. I was revealed so much of God's power and presence, I saw what it meant by laying your life down and carrying the cross, I learned about forgiveness. All in all, I truly experienced God's love and faithfulness. Followed by that was a youth camp held by my church in which I was asked to help facilitate. Initially the camp was rather slow-paced but during the last session when I saw so many souls break down knowing the fact that they have been deceived by the evil one, I couldn't contain my emotions. It was indeed a wake up call for me.

Sadly, that fire died down way too quickly than I expected. Once home, I was overwhelmed with a hectic schedule once again. I spent most of the time catching up all those TV series episodes that I missed. A family trip was also planned. The ongoing war at home just made things worse. I know I shouldn't put the blame on the circumstances at home for me slacking in all aspects of my spiritual walk, but somehow it did. Fear #1 and #2 occurred simultaneously.

I signed up for three Bible plans, and am behind schedule for all of them. I saw my sister doing her daily devotion and guilt ate me, but that feeling didn't last for too either. I stopped my own daily prayers and devotion and Bible reading. What made things worse was I took up the role of mentoring two other pals from church. I felt as if I was preparing sessions/materials as if I'm preparing for a lecture instead of to help us all grow closer to God. I felt as if I'm in this race alone. I felt that my gauge was already in the below zero region. I couldn't hear God. That is probably the worse feeling ever, after having been so close to Him for a long period. 

But I did not listen to the voice in me calling me to turn back.

I carried on with my agendas. I took up an internship position in a semiconductor company. I indulged myself in more TV series and movies. I played the piano. I attended youth fellowships but they all felt like social gatherings to me. I met up with several old friends. I swam. I tried to keep myself occupied with activities after activities but all those could only fill my time but not the emptiness in my heart. I was once told, there is a God-sized hole in everybody's heart that can only be filled by Him and Him alone. People who have yet to know Him will always be searching. I guess I learned it the hard way.

On the other hand, as far as I would like to run away from reality, I will never be able to outrun His grace and mercy. On so many occasions, His interventions were so visible that they felt like smacks in my head calling me to turn back. A very good example would be getting the tutoring position that I applied for. I was convinced that there are many other better candidates who deserve that spot but I got it. Definitely it was not because of luck.

This wasn't exactly the summer holiday I was expecting. But I learned two very important lessons: there is an emptiness in everyone that only God can satisfy and never try to outrun God's arms because you will fail, no doubt. There is no such thing as 'I can only draw close to God when I am away from home' because he is omnipresent. Temptations will arise, but we will need the determination to overcome. After all, we are more than conquerors. 

"And I find myself here on my knees again, caught up in grace like an avalanche."

Off to Chiangmai! (V)

LOVE THAT GOES BEYOND ALL LANGUAGES

Language barrier was one of our biggest challenge, no doubt. However, I also learned that love is one thing that transcends all languages. Love itself is a language on its own.

While we were at the Hope Chiang Mai cell group, I was deeply moved and encouraged just to see people worshipping God in their own languages. We were singing and praying in Mandarin, English and Thai, we couldn't understand what others were saying, but we felt the presence of God so tangible in that place. Right then, I finally understood what they meant when they say "Every knee will bow and every tongue will acknowledge God". When we love the one Lord God our Father in one spirit, language barrier no longer remains as a challenge.

While spending time with the kids at the home and in school, I truly experienced how love speaks louder in actions than in words. We had almost no means to communicate with the kids and vice versa, since they can barely speak English and  we can barely speak Thai. However, they just showered us and one another with so much love despite not having parents to first love them. Although we were there for just two evenings, I felt like I could already call that my home because of the hospitality the kids showed. 

TO RECEIVE AND NOT ALWAYS GIVE

Always we tend to try to be strong, refusing to receive help from others. But through this trip, I was taught to be on the receiving end. I was reminded of a conversation I had with another friend a while ago, in which she told me she had to learn to give others chance to bless her as well, instead of her always being a blessing to others. 

THE END