What are the odds?

Reverse chronology.

An account of five different incidences that occurred in the past month.

***

I woke up in the morning with a tune on replay in my head. Subconsciously, I started humming it all morning. In the shower, while having breakfast, walking to uni. I met up with a couple of friends who gather weekly for outreach event on campus. "Let us all turn to Romans 8:11"

Romans 8:11

And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

Did I mention that I just read Ephesians 1:18-20 the very same morning?  

Ephesians 1:18-20

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms.

Back to the story of the tune. The lyrics of the song?

By Your spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat

The resurrected king is resurrecting me

In Your name I come alive to declare your victory

How coincidental, or not?

***

The worship leader sang the first line of the song, and there I stood, speechless. Tears started rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably. This must be the Spirit working, I thought, how did I even knew the song before he started singing?

Well, long story short, what happened during that Sunday service was that while we were singing one of the worship songs, a tune came into my head, and I just had this weird feeling that I NEEDED to know what the song was. I continued humming it in my head and all of a sudden it all came to me. Little did I know that this would be the next song we'd sing, and little did I know that God had a message in that song. For me.

Hope which was lost, now stand renewed.

Psalm 8:4

What is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?

***

I stared at the lecturer blankly. I couldn't understand a single thing he was saying. My mind was racing. My following two weeks are jammed packed. And mid-semester exams is the on the weekend two weeks from now. I couldn't see how I would even be possible to find time to study for my exams, or complete my assignments. I walked out of class extremely demotivated. I couldn't see beyond this huge mountain. And that was when I asked God for help. Walking home, I fired up my Spotify. A song that I've never heard before (the wonders of Spotify) came on.

Peace be still you are with me

In this hope I abide

Jesus be my sustainer

Strengthen me in this trial

Tryin' hard to picture in my head God being the DJ and modifying my Spotify playlist.

***

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

I was reading a book that quoted this song while telling a story of a mother whom after many years of wanting a child, finally got one but passed away few days later due to health complications. Despite all the mourning and weeping, she decided to stay strong in God and sang this very song. 

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

Right after getting to the end of the chapter, I left home, headed for cell group and guess what, God never stop the surprises. The worship team was just going through the final round of practice for the night. Lo and behold they sang "All of my life, in every season…"

***

I struggled with things that I don't even know how to put into words, especially in my faith journey. Ironically, I ended up spending more time than ever seeking God, wanting to know that what I've believed in for the past years is true.

Silence. Not a single word.

I came to a point of desperation (or helplessness) that I pretty much just prayed the first thing that came into mind. "Lord, if everything else fails, speak to me through music. Amen."

Everything else is history. 

Farewell, memory

Today, I wrote a mental death certificate for my external hard drive. Well, unless it chooses to resurrect one day. That will make things complicated, but part of me secretly hopes that that day will come.

The worst part is this: I had chosen to reformat my computer just a day before the tragedy, and have yet to transfer most of my documents back onto my computer. In the process of doing so, my computer died on me too! It showed a screen saying 'Automatic Repair couldn’t repair your PC'. I was beyond devastated. But that's another story all on its own.

I am a visual person. What that means is that when I am shown something, I have a higher tendency of remembering it. Every now and then, I would browse through my photos and reminisce the past. The reason I said that is because I lost ALL photographs ever since my first digital one, with no other backup copies. Of course, there are also the more important stuff like my assignments, but losing photographs is almost equal to having my memory fail me.

I refuse to accept this reality but I don't think I have an option anymore. Tonight, I should mourn for the passing on of my virtual memory.

Twenty Fifteen

Seated across the table were my friends, talking about getting part-time jobs while juggling with their studies, working out and getting tanned et cetera, while here I was in deep thought: everyone's lives are so different from one another. One thing for sure, so very different from mine. They worry about different things than I do. They are passionate about different things than I am. They hold different things close to their hearts than I do. The smallest decisions that each of us make daily eventually lead us down paths that are so different from the person next to us.

As I laid down by the lake and gazed at the stars on display before me, I couldn’t help but think of how small and insignificant I am, being a part of the universe. Well, I turned 21 this year. See, usually turning twenty-one is a big deal to many, but now, comparing it with the splendour of creation just puts everything into perspective. Yes, indeed it's just a matter of perspective. It's really moments like these that make me feel like I shouldn’t be stressing out so much over things that I have no control over.

"I don't know how your 2015 was like. It could have been smooth-sailin'; it could have been such a roller coaster ride that you're thinking 'there's no way I'm gonna repeat the year', but why not we still choose to thank God for the year," he said. I guess mine was the latter. I started off the year with a great plunge, not like how anyone would love to start their year.

"Sometimes God allows us to go through tough times in order to wake us up. God sometimes uses alarming circumstances or uncomfortable situations to bring us back to Him."

This was a year in which

I lost someone very close to my heart;

I was challenged to surrender my dreams and plans;

My darkest past was dug up;

I've made many mistakes, big ones and small ones;

I was pushed out of my comfort zone;

There were countless nights when I had to cry myself to sleep.

"When we are tested, we can choose to complain or we can try to see God's blessings in disguise and how He is stretching us to develop our character."

However, this was also a year in which God had spoken so much to me, in all possible methods, even at times when I know I was so distant from Him. Some might think that it's creepy, but to me, it was a continuous reassurance that no matter how messed up I am, He is there and is always reaching out to me. 

"We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed bit not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned struck down but not destroyed."

This was a year in which

I was provided a job when I thought all doors were closed;

I was freed from the burden that had weighed me down for years;

I was taught to be humble in serving;

I witnessed the living testimonies of God honouring people when they choose to honour Him;

I've learned that however big of a planner I am, God is still a bigger planner (FYI, planners don't like their plans being messed up by someone else);

I was encouraged and inspired by the hearts who never grow weary in serving God;

I saw God's protection over my family while we were travelling;
I had friends who visited and friends who walked with me through hard times;

I discovered hidden talents that God has granted me, of which I've decided to put into good use;
I managed to finish the Bible in a year (finally, after 21 years!).

"Though the fig tree does not bud, and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen, and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour."

It's just a matter of perspective, whether you want to choose to be grateful for how much you had grown from the challenges you encountered, or be bitter about the hardships you had to go through.

2015, thank you for shaping me into who I am today, but even if given a chance, I wouldn't want to relive the year. 2016, for what you have in store, bring it on! 

I had a dream

A while ago, a friend of mine came to me and asked me if I had been a Christian all my life. I told him that there really is no such thing. Nobody is born a Christian; it is conscious decision that one will have to make him/herself. And I told him that the first time I said the sinner's prayer was when I was nine, if that was what he was asking for. He then asked me if I have ever doubted God or felt like I was so far from God that I didn't feel like a Christian anymore. His question brought me back to four years ago when I went through by far, the toughest times in my life.

I did not only doubt God. I blamed Him for all that I had to go through. All the anger and frustration that was in me, I lashed it all out on Him. I demanded an answer from Him, wanting to prove that I did not deserve to suffer. After a couple of months, I thought I had resolved the issue within myself, only to realise that all the while I was just running away. It really did not take much for the unresolved issues to resurface whenever it was triggered by external circumstances.

But it was through that period of hardship that I really saw who God really is in my life. Have I ever felt like I am no longer a Christian anymore? Yes, I definitely had. But what made me come back was the revelation that no matter how hard times are, or how far away I run, my God is a God who will never forsake me. In fact, He is one who would piggyback me when I am drowning in the storm. As I am writing this, I am reminded of a poem that I once read:

FOOTPRINTS (I HAD A DREAM)

One night I dreamed a dream

I was walking along the beach with my Lord

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand

There was only one set of footprints

I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life

This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way

But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints

I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings

When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

It took me four years to fully walk out of my struggles. It took me four years to finally let go off all the burdens. But ultimately, that four years of pain made me discover so much more of God's unfailing love. And that itself made the four years worth it. 

Human Logic

Sometimes, God keeps quiet. But today, it just wasn't the 'sometime'. In fact, He was extremely vocal.

It started off right at the beginning, during pre-service prayer. We read about the five loaves and two fishes in the book of John. Always I see this scripture from God's point of view, seeing how great Jesus is when we entrust him with the little that we have. But today, it spoke to me very differently. The boy gave Jesus ALL that he had. It's like the case of the poor widow with two copper coins. The disciples knew that they didn’t have enough, which was why they chose not to give. But the boy had little, yet chose to entrust ALL that he had to God. It just made me reflect on my life, how much of my resources have I entrusted God with?

While praying, I was thinking of the calculative mindset I always have. Me being Asian, I tend to calculate how much more I need to save up for my own needs and not responding to the spirit when I need to. This is how much I get a month, and I will have to take away my rent, my bills and whatnot, and I will have...uhh just this much left for you, God. A sudden feeling of shame came over me. There's just so much more that I can do.

A figure popped in my head out of the blue halfway through the sermon. It felt like God was telling me to pledge that much for the church building fund. 'God are you crazy?!' was my immediate response. That's double of what I gave last year, and more than half of my allowance. But but...if I tithe, and give offering, and cook for cell group and bless others, I won't have enough left to give You that much! All the excuses started flooding in. It's ironic how today's sermon was about faithful giving - not reasoning with the economy of the world but of heaven.

"Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously." God has promised us blessings when we give generously unto His kingdom, but it is us who will have to unlock His blessings. He blesses us not only so that we will be blessed, but so that we will be blessed to bless others. It's rather profound, and it's almost unexplainable by human logic. But our God doesn't work with human logic, and so we should not try to understand Him with human logic.  

Summer 2015

This wasn't exactly the summer holiday I was expecting. Before heading home, I had so much fear in me, most of which really did happen during my three months being back home. I feared having to face the mess at home. I feared being distant from God. I feared the thought of having to say goodbye after getting myself comfortable.

The first quarter of the summer break was nothing less than amazing. The mission trip that changed my life took place. I was revealed so much of God's power and presence, I saw what it meant by laying your life down and carrying the cross, I learned about forgiveness. All in all, I truly experienced God's love and faithfulness. Followed by that was a youth camp held by my church in which I was asked to help facilitate. Initially the camp was rather slow-paced but during the last session when I saw so many souls break down knowing the fact that they have been deceived by the evil one, I couldn't contain my emotions. It was indeed a wake up call for me.

Sadly, that fire died down way too quickly than I expected. Once home, I was overwhelmed with a hectic schedule once again. I spent most of the time catching up all those TV series episodes that I missed. A family trip was also planned. The ongoing war at home just made things worse. I know I shouldn't put the blame on the circumstances at home for me slacking in all aspects of my spiritual walk, but somehow it did. Fear #1 and #2 occurred simultaneously.

I signed up for three Bible plans, and am behind schedule for all of them. I saw my sister doing her daily devotion and guilt ate me, but that feeling didn't last for too either. I stopped my own daily prayers and devotion and Bible reading. What made things worse was I took up the role of mentoring two other pals from church. I felt as if I was preparing sessions/materials as if I'm preparing for a lecture instead of to help us all grow closer to God. I felt as if I'm in this race alone. I felt that my gauge was already in the below zero region. I couldn't hear God. That is probably the worse feeling ever, after having been so close to Him for a long period. 

But I did not listen to the voice in me calling me to turn back.

I carried on with my agendas. I took up an internship position in a semiconductor company. I indulged myself in more TV series and movies. I played the piano. I attended youth fellowships but they all felt like social gatherings to me. I met up with several old friends. I swam. I tried to keep myself occupied with activities after activities but all those could only fill my time but not the emptiness in my heart. I was once told, there is a God-sized hole in everybody's heart that can only be filled by Him and Him alone. People who have yet to know Him will always be searching. I guess I learned it the hard way.

On the other hand, as far as I would like to run away from reality, I will never be able to outrun His grace and mercy. On so many occasions, His interventions were so visible that they felt like smacks in my head calling me to turn back. A very good example would be getting the tutoring position that I applied for. I was convinced that there are many other better candidates who deserve that spot but I got it. Definitely it was not because of luck.

This wasn't exactly the summer holiday I was expecting. But I learned two very important lessons: there is an emptiness in everyone that only God can satisfy and never try to outrun God's arms because you will fail, no doubt. There is no such thing as 'I can only draw close to God when I am away from home' because he is omnipresent. Temptations will arise, but we will need the determination to overcome. After all, we are more than conquerors. 

"And I find myself here on my knees again, caught up in grace like an avalanche."

Off to Chiangmai! (V)

LOVE THAT GOES BEYOND ALL LANGUAGES

Language barrier was one of our biggest challenge, no doubt. However, I also learned that love is one thing that transcends all languages. Love itself is a language on its own.

While we were at the Hope Chiang Mai cell group, I was deeply moved and encouraged just to see people worshipping God in their own languages. We were singing and praying in Mandarin, English and Thai, we couldn't understand what others were saying, but we felt the presence of God so tangible in that place. Right then, I finally understood what they meant when they say "Every knee will bow and every tongue will acknowledge God". When we love the one Lord God our Father in one spirit, language barrier no longer remains as a challenge.

While spending time with the kids at the home and in school, I truly experienced how love speaks louder in actions than in words. We had almost no means to communicate with the kids and vice versa, since they can barely speak English and  we can barely speak Thai. However, they just showered us and one another with so much love despite not having parents to first love them. Although we were there for just two evenings, I felt like I could already call that my home because of the hospitality the kids showed. 

TO RECEIVE AND NOT ALWAYS GIVE

Always we tend to try to be strong, refusing to receive help from others. But through this trip, I was taught to be on the receiving end. I was reminded of a conversation I had with another friend a while ago, in which she told me she had to learn to give others chance to bless her as well, instead of her always being a blessing to others. 

THE END 

Off to Chiangmai! (IV)

TO BE BOLD IN REACHING OUT WITH WHAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH

I've always looked at myself very lowly. Right before the trip, I told my leader that I felt like I have nothing to contribute to the team. I do not have much knowledge of any kind of musical instruments, nor am I skillful in art and craft or drama. I am not good around kids, nor could I communicate well with people or express myself properly with words. But God has this special way of saying “Child, you're special in my eyes and you don't have to compare your talents with anybody else's.”

As we stepped into the kids' home, I noticed a guy who did not mingle with all the other kids. Later on i realised that he was mute and deaf. Never would I have thought that the little sign language that I knew could help him in feeling not left out. Lek and I even managed to bless him before we left. I also discovered this connection I have with kids that I never really felt before. The kids made me realise that it really isn't about my abilities and what I can offer to make myself feel useful. Instead, it really is about how willing I am to be used by God to show them His love. They don't want much, and all that they really crave for is to be loved.

I was forced into taking up the role of the main character in a skit that we were going to perform to a few groups of people. To be really frank, that was definitely something wayyyy beyond my comfort zone. I believe God can always use someone else from the team who can do a better job than me, but the only reason why I decided to give it a go in the end was 'cause of this small voice within me questioning me, "Didn't you say you want to step out in courage and reach out to others?”  As I see some of the kids tearing after the skit, I choose to believe that the skit made an impact in their lives. And more importantly, I choose to believe that it really was God speaking to them through the skit. Really, it was not how well the team can act but how mightily God can move hearts with the little that we are willing to offer.

To be continued.

Off to Chiangmai! (III)

TO GROW IN FAITH

I was also shown God's faithfulness even during adversities. Even when times we feel like God is non-existent, He'll still show up. There was this once during street evangelism when we were so discouraged by all the rejections that we were about to give up, God answered our prayers by sending us someone who, in turn, encouraged us so much. We actually bumped into her earlier in the day, but she was heading for breakfast and told us that she might listen to what we are going to share if we will still be around that area after her breakfast. After talking to so many people who just was not interested in what we've got to share, I was not having high hopes on this lady anymore, although I still made a quick prayer to God asking Him to let us meet this lady again. And we did! 

There was this other time when the power to an entire village blew up in front of us during a Christmas evangelistic event. It just had to happen when the local celebrity was sharing her testimony. Despite all this spiritual opposition closing up on us, our team chose to persevere in God's promise and to believe that He knows best, and that was the best plan at the moment. The short session of praise and worship and prayer really refreshed me so much. I was granted strength and reassurance that God will not forsake us and that He has already had the victory in His hands.

I have never heard of Pat complaining that he is tight on finances, nor that he is too tired to share the gospel. He told us that Mondays and Fridays are his free days, yet he doesn't use them to rest but still chooses to visit the orphanages and hospitals. Nonetheless, he also believes in finding rest and being recharged by spending time with God. He has inspired me to learn to trust in God’s provision because God is indeed our tower of refuge and our Provider. 

To be continued. 

Off to Chiangmai! (II)

TO LOVE AND TO FORGIVE

Love was one thing I struggled with for a long time. I tend to judge before loving - I look at people with my own lenses instead of God's, and I decide for myself whether they should be loved or not. I feel that some people need love, but I struggle so hard loving them knowing the things they have done to others. But God is love and is all about love. I've read so much about Biblical love, I know it so well in my head, and often I feel God's love in my life, too. However, I am so painfully human that I so easily get drowned in negative thoughts when circumstances creep into my life.

During this short trip to Thailand, I've seen what the radical love from up above can do to a person, in which even man could not contain it within oneself and had to share it with the world. I've experienced what it means to fully lay one’s life down and set aside all selfish ambitions to love God and love others. I've understood what it takes to obey God's calling to love others simply because He first loved us.

The people I have met throughout the trip were all so ready to love. The volunteers at The Ark Home spend most of their time just caring and loving the boys. I believe love brings a domino effect and it could be seen in the boys’ actions in just caring for one another. The team had to agree that the overflowing of God’s love really made a huge difference in the boys’ lives. Pat spends almost every day reaching out to all sorts of people, ranging from the sick to the poor to the needy. He so willingly give with what he has been blessed with.

Forgiving is often the first step. Acknowledging the wrongdoings of others yet choosing to look beyond them and still love the person as he is takes a lot of courage. But our God is a God who gives second chances because He loves us. He doesn't want to condemn us; instead He wants to restore our relationship with Him. He does not want us to live life like an orphan because we aren't meant to be one - we all have a Father and He is our Father.

I was also constantly reminded that mission is not just evangelising in a foreign country. Instead, it is an ongoing process in our daily lives. This reminded me a lot about my current situation at home. Pat's last words to me before we left were “Be the glue in your family, love them.” Yes, indeed it is easier said than done, but if God choose to look beyond all our transgressions and still says “I love you, child”, why can’t we do the same to others?

To be continued.

Off to Chiangmai! (I)

I didn't know what to expect from a mission trip. After signing up, I was told that most people will be pushed out of their comfort zones, doing things that challenge their  courage. The preparation period was not any easier since it took up more of my extremely limited time in my extremely busy semester. But now, looking back, I realised how important it was to be committed in preparing our hearts spiritually and mentally before we set off.

We spent a couple of days in my hometown doing some finalising work. We only learned our skit and song during those two days. I really thank God for having such supportive parents, always thinking of ways to help us make our stay there easier and more comfortable.

It was kind of surreal to me when it was finally time to leave home. This is my first mission trip in my life, and so all I wanted is to make it a memorable one in which God will teach me things that I have never before. I had three expectations of my own:

1. To learn to love and to forgive

2. To grow in faith of full reliance on God's provision and promises

3. To learn how to and gain the courage to reach out to others with what I am blessed with 

And a few others that were not in my initial expectations but resonate with other members of the team.

I've learned that God speaks to His people in many ways, and some of them will just give you jaw-drop moments. Through this trip, God has answered my prayers and showed me exactly what I needed to see at this stage in life. Now as I revisit the expectations that I had before I left home, I found out that every single one of them were achieved. How more amazing can God be?

To be continued. 

Pay It Forward

They call it pay it forward. We call it blessing others with the blessings that we have received.

I was first introduced to this concept by a friend of mine. His heart for the needy is so big I can't even. I've always admired him and secretly wished to be him in that aspect.

Then I came to Brisbane. I met this bunch of people who are now my life group mates. They opened my eyes to the extent of love that I've never experienced before. I have always been taught that when we learn to lean on God and draw closer to Him, our hearts will be more and more a reflection of His. It took me 20 years to finally understand it, simply based on the experiences I've gone through in this year. They say Christianity is different from all the other religions because it is not just a religion but a relationship. God wants us to be more and more like Him, to love others as ourselves.

It was a huge leap for me. Doing that means I'll have to put others' above myself. But then I see others doing it, and I started to think that if others can, why can't I? I decided to give it a shot. It really was not that hard after all. At times when I think I am running dry, I get reminded of the blessings that I have been receiving. I don't want it to just stop at myself, I want it to be passed on.

Happiness is really contagious. Just seeing others happy make me extremely happy. I guess that's what made me happy throughout this SWOTVAC. What I've gotta learn is really to give God the credit that He deserves, instead of stealing His glory, because He is the source of all blessings. I'm sure the Father up above must be extremely proud of His children who are learning to love and care for others .

I am still a newbie in this aspect, but I definitely hope that this culture will just expand in today's world. 

Ashamed

Should I be ashamed of myself?
YES.

I was just in uni doing the usual life group study group during swotvac (Study without teaching vacation, basically just study break lol). I've planned all along in my head that I wanted to cook for the people who come for study groups. I looked at my schedule, and I reconsidered my decision. The reason of all that happening was because I was so busy throughout the semester that I had to skip most of my lectures and I have quite a bit to catch up.

One of my pharmacy friend who has five papers this year-end said she would cook dinner for everyone who are there today. I went speechless. Why is my heart so selfish when others are so selfless? I only have two papers, yet I put my agendas so high up that I failed to look beyond.

Ashamed and guilty. 

No way I was going to let her do it herself while I stand there and watched. I decided to help, but that did not stop me from feeling bad about myself. I wish I could be less self-centered.

Busy

Busy.

For the entire semester, that's the only word that came out of me whenever someone asked me how I was. I'm pretty sure I must have said it so much that I managed to annoy some of my friends. But I only did that because I couldn't seem to find another word that can aptly describe my day/week/month/semester.

I live on a gram of caffeine each day.

I live on an hour of conversation on a regular weekday.

I live on six hours of sleep each day, not because I can afford it but simply because any less than six hours will just make me groggy the next day and decrease my productivity tremendously.

The rest of the day, excluding tutes, pracs and workshops, I am pretty much in my room. On my bed. Not sleeping.

Reading and writing. I recently discovered the usefulness of a TV in my research course - I can simply extend my computer screen with it. I have no idea why this thought has never crossed my mind until a friend pointed it out to me one day; my dad has always been doing that! And so, my bed is the closest platform to my TV. Therefore, it has since, by default, become my new workplace. I even put cardboards next to my bed as 'whiteboards'.

Taking two heavy courses in one semester is already a huge mistake, but it's one that I didn’t regret. I have learned that not all mistakes make you regret, some just push you to strive harder. I was forced to learn programming and electronics. I had to read up on extremely technical issues on energy, some which I don't even understand. I haven't been to a single chemistry lecture since week one, and have stopped attending math lectures too after week four because I have no time for that. I have learned the importance of having reflective journals in order to monitor progress and refine thoughts. I was pushed out of my comfort zone when I needed to present my research findings to my supervisor's supervisor (some CEO guy) and a cohort of intelligent students. None of these was easy.

But that was not all. I got myself involved in a mission trip and so we have a lot of planning, trainings, preparations and fundraising to do. And there was mentoring, Bible studies and endless (deep, constructive) conversations that really provoked a series of thought process to take place in the brain. I'm sure many new neuron routes must have been established in my brain LOL. Serving in ministries, road trips, and evax brought friendship to a whole new level. New bonds were formed, old ones, strengthened. It was also truly a humbling process, to be willing to be corrected and taught.

I live by the help of friends.

I live by the support of my family members.

I live by the understanding of my housemates.

I live by the grace of God.

I know I definitely wouldn’t have pulled through this semester if any one of the aforementioned element is absent.

How many times I felt this guilt eating me on the inside for not being able to participate in my household activities? I've lost count. And myself thinking that I've loved enough, only to be reprimanded by an inner voice telling me I have yet to learn to love. I looked at them, they did not complain although they were doing all the work, and then there was me…

Whenever I get stressed, there will only be two solutions to it. Or maybe three, the third one being procrastinate and trying to escape from reality, which will not get me anywhere still. The first two being cry (yes, I cry a lot these days) and call home. Somehow, there is just this peace I get whenever I call home, despite knowing they can't do much being thousands of miles away.

OH I can't even list out all the times my friends helped me. With my projects, research, in my daily live; simply picking me up when I fall and get me back on track.

But most importantly it was God overseeing everything throughout. He placed people and occasions  at the right time right place. He knows best. 

Perfect Timing

I kept hearing the voice, saying,  "you've been using too much of your own strength." I ignored. I didn't want to admit. I ran away.

Jonah 1:3

But Jonah ran away from the Lord, and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.

I broke down. I realised my tank was empty, and that I could no longer carryon.

Christ is enough.

It played it my head. I played it on my computer. I hit the replay button.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I fell on my knees. I cried out in desperation. I hated myself for being of little faith.

I needed strength. I needed reassurance. I needed to learn how to let go and let God.

James 5:13

Is anyone of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise.

I was given strength. I was given reassurance. I was told, "you should learn to lean on Me."

I had peace.

P/S: I am not one who memorises verses, and all the verses mentioned above just popped in my head; I did not Google 'Bible verses about peace/faith' etc. I actually had to look into the Bible to see what it says. Such perfect timing hey. 

Codes

Friend   : So, what’s new?

Me        : Uhm nothing much really, busy with coursework.

Friend   : Like what kind of coursework? Projects?

Me        : Yeah, that, and a research paper/presentation too.

Friend   : What’s your project on?

Me        : Mixing two streams of water of different temperature and flowrates to get an output flow of a given temperature and given volume.

Friend   : Hmm so how are you going to control your system? Is it automated?

Me        : Yeah, we’re required to program an Arduino. I have no clue whatsoever what that is and how to do that and how it works though.

Friend   : AN ARDUINO?!  Sounds like a lot of fun! I can help you with it if you want!

Me        : Uhm yeah sure, but I think I will let someone else in my team to do the programming though, I have no prior knowledge in it at all. 

The above conversation happened while we were doing the dishes during one of our Friday lifegroup sessions. I never thought it would progress any further.

Friend   : So how’s your group’s Arduino-programming coming along?

Me        : Nobody is doing it for now. Nobody cares about it at all, they’re all so chill. Pisses me off at times.

Friend   : Well, why not you take it from them and we can have some fun with it?

Me        : But I know nuts about coding.

Friend   : I say, you go get that board kay? It’s easy stuff, I can have a look at it and play with it.

Me        : I don’t see why you would use ‘play’ to describe this. Sounds more like torture to me.

Friend   : Hey, I’m a nerd, it runs in my blood.

It never ended from then on. I can go on with stories of the unique ways he uses to show care, of how he set his own assignments aside to teach and help me, of how he is trying to get me out of my comfort zone when dealing with people, of how he spent hours explaining to me what seems to be common sense to him, of teaching me how having the humility to learn from others in uni life is crucial, of the difference between seeking help and relying on others. Project-related or not, he has been helping me so much these days I don’t know how to thank him.

Birthday buddy or not, I see so much similarities in us. For instance, how we both used to be so selfish. I guess the process of learning to be selfless is part of the journey in life, and the people around me are teaching me so much on this lesson. I am definitely nowhere close to the finish line, but I do hope I am getting somewhere, or at least, headed in the right direction. 

Praise You in this storm

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say, Amen and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on if I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Deficit

She came with a cup of herbal tea, handed it to me and said, "Here you go, you've been working very hard for the event."

She was the one that made me felt so glad that I made the right choice. It was just a hi-my-name-is-so-and-so kind of introduction the first day we met, we did not click at all, and I never thought we would. Later on, we realised we were in the same workshop and same project. That gave us a little common ground for conversations to be built. 

She shared how she has been attending LG and how she has been enjoying it so much because the people are so nice. She shared how she has been serving in LG and in ministries. She shared how she wants to be baptised but is afraid of her parents' responses. She shared about the joy and peace she felt after her baptism. She shared how campus and street evax opened her eyes to many things unseen. She shared why she was so insecure of herself and the reason of her giving herself so much pressure on her studies. She shared her struggles in her studies and in reaching out to people. She trusted me with so much. Throughout the years, I have learned that it is a privilege instead of a burden to be trusted. She shared her knowledge, helped me with my courses and encouraged me so much. To be honest, I think she is one of the most selfless person that I have met in my life. 

One day she told one of our mutual friends that I was her only friend in the chemical engineering cohort. I did not feel proud of myself, really, but instead it got me thinking of what made me be considered as a friend? What did I do to deserve to be called a friend? It reminded me of a quote a pastor shared during one of my cousins' wedding. "A relationship is like a bank account. You can't expect to keep withdrawing and not get into debt if you do not deposit anything into it." True that, pastor.

If only I can be as much of a friend to her as how she is to me. 

Gift

“If someone, regardless of the situations, stands by you and tries his best to understand what you’re going through even if you don’t speak, you’ll know you’ve got a friend.” One friend told me that just this afternoon. Without giving it much thought, I swept it behind my mind in seconds.

Later in the evening, my housemate came home with an (extremely advanced) birthday present for me. I have to say, very frankly, that gift did not mean anything to me. Anybody could have bought me a birthday present. Family members, teachers, secret Santa, even a stranger whom I have not met. It was just a birthday present. What’s the big deal?

It was the thoughts that she had that struck me. The thought that she actually paid attention to what I said (that I needed a new wallet because mine broke); I didn’t even stress on my point, it just came out of my mouth as a random complaint on a random day. The thought of her knowing I am so busy that I most likely would not have had the chance to get it for myself. The thought of her actually caring to know what I like and what I don’t. The thought of her thinking so far ahead because she was afraid that I will get one for myself if she was too slow to act. The thought of her just understanding what is going on with me and in me even if I haven’t been talking to her much these days. The thought of her even willing to spend time on such petty things. The thought of her being such an encourager when things get tough.

One might think, such small thoughts, anyone could have done that, no? Sadly, I know I could easily list out hundreds of people that I know who wouldn’t do that. But I am glad that I can list one who would, for me.  

P/S: To that friend, if you so happened to be reading this, know that your thoughtfulness is much appreciated by this tiny soul here, and also many others who have yet to express their gratitude to you! :)

Safe

"A boat in the dock is the safest, but it isn't doing what it is made for." - AL, 2014