Off to Chiangmai! (IV)

TO BE BOLD IN REACHING OUT WITH WHAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH

I've always looked at myself very lowly. Right before the trip, I told my leader that I felt like I have nothing to contribute to the team. I do not have much knowledge of any kind of musical instruments, nor am I skillful in art and craft or drama. I am not good around kids, nor could I communicate well with people or express myself properly with words. But God has this special way of saying “Child, you're special in my eyes and you don't have to compare your talents with anybody else's.”

As we stepped into the kids' home, I noticed a guy who did not mingle with all the other kids. Later on i realised that he was mute and deaf. Never would I have thought that the little sign language that I knew could help him in feeling not left out. Lek and I even managed to bless him before we left. I also discovered this connection I have with kids that I never really felt before. The kids made me realise that it really isn't about my abilities and what I can offer to make myself feel useful. Instead, it really is about how willing I am to be used by God to show them His love. They don't want much, and all that they really crave for is to be loved.

I was forced into taking up the role of the main character in a skit that we were going to perform to a few groups of people. To be really frank, that was definitely something wayyyy beyond my comfort zone. I believe God can always use someone else from the team who can do a better job than me, but the only reason why I decided to give it a go in the end was 'cause of this small voice within me questioning me, "Didn't you say you want to step out in courage and reach out to others?”  As I see some of the kids tearing after the skit, I choose to believe that the skit made an impact in their lives. And more importantly, I choose to believe that it really was God speaking to them through the skit. Really, it was not how well the team can act but how mightily God can move hearts with the little that we are willing to offer.

To be continued.

Off to Chiangmai! (III)

TO GROW IN FAITH

I was also shown God's faithfulness even during adversities. Even when times we feel like God is non-existent, He'll still show up. There was this once during street evangelism when we were so discouraged by all the rejections that we were about to give up, God answered our prayers by sending us someone who, in turn, encouraged us so much. We actually bumped into her earlier in the day, but she was heading for breakfast and told us that she might listen to what we are going to share if we will still be around that area after her breakfast. After talking to so many people who just was not interested in what we've got to share, I was not having high hopes on this lady anymore, although I still made a quick prayer to God asking Him to let us meet this lady again. And we did! 

There was this other time when the power to an entire village blew up in front of us during a Christmas evangelistic event. It just had to happen when the local celebrity was sharing her testimony. Despite all this spiritual opposition closing up on us, our team chose to persevere in God's promise and to believe that He knows best, and that was the best plan at the moment. The short session of praise and worship and prayer really refreshed me so much. I was granted strength and reassurance that God will not forsake us and that He has already had the victory in His hands.

I have never heard of Pat complaining that he is tight on finances, nor that he is too tired to share the gospel. He told us that Mondays and Fridays are his free days, yet he doesn't use them to rest but still chooses to visit the orphanages and hospitals. Nonetheless, he also believes in finding rest and being recharged by spending time with God. He has inspired me to learn to trust in God’s provision because God is indeed our tower of refuge and our Provider. 

To be continued. 

Off to Chiangmai! (II)

TO LOVE AND TO FORGIVE

Love was one thing I struggled with for a long time. I tend to judge before loving - I look at people with my own lenses instead of God's, and I decide for myself whether they should be loved or not. I feel that some people need love, but I struggle so hard loving them knowing the things they have done to others. But God is love and is all about love. I've read so much about Biblical love, I know it so well in my head, and often I feel God's love in my life, too. However, I am so painfully human that I so easily get drowned in negative thoughts when circumstances creep into my life.

During this short trip to Thailand, I've seen what the radical love from up above can do to a person, in which even man could not contain it within oneself and had to share it with the world. I've experienced what it means to fully lay one’s life down and set aside all selfish ambitions to love God and love others. I've understood what it takes to obey God's calling to love others simply because He first loved us.

The people I have met throughout the trip were all so ready to love. The volunteers at The Ark Home spend most of their time just caring and loving the boys. I believe love brings a domino effect and it could be seen in the boys’ actions in just caring for one another. The team had to agree that the overflowing of God’s love really made a huge difference in the boys’ lives. Pat spends almost every day reaching out to all sorts of people, ranging from the sick to the poor to the needy. He so willingly give with what he has been blessed with.

Forgiving is often the first step. Acknowledging the wrongdoings of others yet choosing to look beyond them and still love the person as he is takes a lot of courage. But our God is a God who gives second chances because He loves us. He doesn't want to condemn us; instead He wants to restore our relationship with Him. He does not want us to live life like an orphan because we aren't meant to be one - we all have a Father and He is our Father.

I was also constantly reminded that mission is not just evangelising in a foreign country. Instead, it is an ongoing process in our daily lives. This reminded me a lot about my current situation at home. Pat's last words to me before we left were “Be the glue in your family, love them.” Yes, indeed it is easier said than done, but if God choose to look beyond all our transgressions and still says “I love you, child”, why can’t we do the same to others?

To be continued.

Off to Chiangmai! (I)

I didn't know what to expect from a mission trip. After signing up, I was told that most people will be pushed out of their comfort zones, doing things that challenge their  courage. The preparation period was not any easier since it took up more of my extremely limited time in my extremely busy semester. But now, looking back, I realised how important it was to be committed in preparing our hearts spiritually and mentally before we set off.

We spent a couple of days in my hometown doing some finalising work. We only learned our skit and song during those two days. I really thank God for having such supportive parents, always thinking of ways to help us make our stay there easier and more comfortable.

It was kind of surreal to me when it was finally time to leave home. This is my first mission trip in my life, and so all I wanted is to make it a memorable one in which God will teach me things that I have never before. I had three expectations of my own:

1. To learn to love and to forgive

2. To grow in faith of full reliance on God's provision and promises

3. To learn how to and gain the courage to reach out to others with what I am blessed with 

And a few others that were not in my initial expectations but resonate with other members of the team.

I've learned that God speaks to His people in many ways, and some of them will just give you jaw-drop moments. Through this trip, God has answered my prayers and showed me exactly what I needed to see at this stage in life. Now as I revisit the expectations that I had before I left home, I found out that every single one of them were achieved. How more amazing can God be?

To be continued. 

Pay It Forward

They call it pay it forward. We call it blessing others with the blessings that we have received.

I was first introduced to this concept by a friend of mine. His heart for the needy is so big I can't even. I've always admired him and secretly wished to be him in that aspect.

Then I came to Brisbane. I met this bunch of people who are now my life group mates. They opened my eyes to the extent of love that I've never experienced before. I have always been taught that when we learn to lean on God and draw closer to Him, our hearts will be more and more a reflection of His. It took me 20 years to finally understand it, simply based on the experiences I've gone through in this year. They say Christianity is different from all the other religions because it is not just a religion but a relationship. God wants us to be more and more like Him, to love others as ourselves.

It was a huge leap for me. Doing that means I'll have to put others' above myself. But then I see others doing it, and I started to think that if others can, why can't I? I decided to give it a shot. It really was not that hard after all. At times when I think I am running dry, I get reminded of the blessings that I have been receiving. I don't want it to just stop at myself, I want it to be passed on.

Happiness is really contagious. Just seeing others happy make me extremely happy. I guess that's what made me happy throughout this SWOTVAC. What I've gotta learn is really to give God the credit that He deserves, instead of stealing His glory, because He is the source of all blessings. I'm sure the Father up above must be extremely proud of His children who are learning to love and care for others .

I am still a newbie in this aspect, but I definitely hope that this culture will just expand in today's world. 

Ashamed

Should I be ashamed of myself?
YES.

I was just in uni doing the usual life group study group during swotvac (Study without teaching vacation, basically just study break lol). I've planned all along in my head that I wanted to cook for the people who come for study groups. I looked at my schedule, and I reconsidered my decision. The reason of all that happening was because I was so busy throughout the semester that I had to skip most of my lectures and I have quite a bit to catch up.

One of my pharmacy friend who has five papers this year-end said she would cook dinner for everyone who are there today. I went speechless. Why is my heart so selfish when others are so selfless? I only have two papers, yet I put my agendas so high up that I failed to look beyond.

Ashamed and guilty. 

No way I was going to let her do it herself while I stand there and watched. I decided to help, but that did not stop me from feeling bad about myself. I wish I could be less self-centered.

Busy

Busy.

For the entire semester, that's the only word that came out of me whenever someone asked me how I was. I'm pretty sure I must have said it so much that I managed to annoy some of my friends. But I only did that because I couldn't seem to find another word that can aptly describe my day/week/month/semester.

I live on a gram of caffeine each day.

I live on an hour of conversation on a regular weekday.

I live on six hours of sleep each day, not because I can afford it but simply because any less than six hours will just make me groggy the next day and decrease my productivity tremendously.

The rest of the day, excluding tutes, pracs and workshops, I am pretty much in my room. On my bed. Not sleeping.

Reading and writing. I recently discovered the usefulness of a TV in my research course - I can simply extend my computer screen with it. I have no idea why this thought has never crossed my mind until a friend pointed it out to me one day; my dad has always been doing that! And so, my bed is the closest platform to my TV. Therefore, it has since, by default, become my new workplace. I even put cardboards next to my bed as 'whiteboards'.

Taking two heavy courses in one semester is already a huge mistake, but it's one that I didn’t regret. I have learned that not all mistakes make you regret, some just push you to strive harder. I was forced to learn programming and electronics. I had to read up on extremely technical issues on energy, some which I don't even understand. I haven't been to a single chemistry lecture since week one, and have stopped attending math lectures too after week four because I have no time for that. I have learned the importance of having reflective journals in order to monitor progress and refine thoughts. I was pushed out of my comfort zone when I needed to present my research findings to my supervisor's supervisor (some CEO guy) and a cohort of intelligent students. None of these was easy.

But that was not all. I got myself involved in a mission trip and so we have a lot of planning, trainings, preparations and fundraising to do. And there was mentoring, Bible studies and endless (deep, constructive) conversations that really provoked a series of thought process to take place in the brain. I'm sure many new neuron routes must have been established in my brain LOL. Serving in ministries, road trips, and evax brought friendship to a whole new level. New bonds were formed, old ones, strengthened. It was also truly a humbling process, to be willing to be corrected and taught.

I live by the help of friends.

I live by the support of my family members.

I live by the understanding of my housemates.

I live by the grace of God.

I know I definitely wouldn’t have pulled through this semester if any one of the aforementioned element is absent.

How many times I felt this guilt eating me on the inside for not being able to participate in my household activities? I've lost count. And myself thinking that I've loved enough, only to be reprimanded by an inner voice telling me I have yet to learn to love. I looked at them, they did not complain although they were doing all the work, and then there was me…

Whenever I get stressed, there will only be two solutions to it. Or maybe three, the third one being procrastinate and trying to escape from reality, which will not get me anywhere still. The first two being cry (yes, I cry a lot these days) and call home. Somehow, there is just this peace I get whenever I call home, despite knowing they can't do much being thousands of miles away.

OH I can't even list out all the times my friends helped me. With my projects, research, in my daily live; simply picking me up when I fall and get me back on track.

But most importantly it was God overseeing everything throughout. He placed people and occasions  at the right time right place. He knows best. 

Perfect Timing

I kept hearing the voice, saying,  "you've been using too much of your own strength." I ignored. I didn't want to admit. I ran away.

Jonah 1:3

But Jonah ran away from the Lord, and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.

I broke down. I realised my tank was empty, and that I could no longer carryon.

Christ is enough.

It played it my head. I played it on my computer. I hit the replay button.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I fell on my knees. I cried out in desperation. I hated myself for being of little faith.

I needed strength. I needed reassurance. I needed to learn how to let go and let God.

James 5:13

Is anyone of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise.

I was given strength. I was given reassurance. I was told, "you should learn to lean on Me."

I had peace.

P/S: I am not one who memorises verses, and all the verses mentioned above just popped in my head; I did not Google 'Bible verses about peace/faith' etc. I actually had to look into the Bible to see what it says. Such perfect timing hey. 

Codes

Friend   : So, what’s new?

Me        : Uhm nothing much really, busy with coursework.

Friend   : Like what kind of coursework? Projects?

Me        : Yeah, that, and a research paper/presentation too.

Friend   : What’s your project on?

Me        : Mixing two streams of water of different temperature and flowrates to get an output flow of a given temperature and given volume.

Friend   : Hmm so how are you going to control your system? Is it automated?

Me        : Yeah, we’re required to program an Arduino. I have no clue whatsoever what that is and how to do that and how it works though.

Friend   : AN ARDUINO?!  Sounds like a lot of fun! I can help you with it if you want!

Me        : Uhm yeah sure, but I think I will let someone else in my team to do the programming though, I have no prior knowledge in it at all. 

The above conversation happened while we were doing the dishes during one of our Friday lifegroup sessions. I never thought it would progress any further.

Friend   : So how’s your group’s Arduino-programming coming along?

Me        : Nobody is doing it for now. Nobody cares about it at all, they’re all so chill. Pisses me off at times.

Friend   : Well, why not you take it from them and we can have some fun with it?

Me        : But I know nuts about coding.

Friend   : I say, you go get that board kay? It’s easy stuff, I can have a look at it and play with it.

Me        : I don’t see why you would use ‘play’ to describe this. Sounds more like torture to me.

Friend   : Hey, I’m a nerd, it runs in my blood.

It never ended from then on. I can go on with stories of the unique ways he uses to show care, of how he set his own assignments aside to teach and help me, of how he is trying to get me out of my comfort zone when dealing with people, of how he spent hours explaining to me what seems to be common sense to him, of teaching me how having the humility to learn from others in uni life is crucial, of the difference between seeking help and relying on others. Project-related or not, he has been helping me so much these days I don’t know how to thank him.

Birthday buddy or not, I see so much similarities in us. For instance, how we both used to be so selfish. I guess the process of learning to be selfless is part of the journey in life, and the people around me are teaching me so much on this lesson. I am definitely nowhere close to the finish line, but I do hope I am getting somewhere, or at least, headed in the right direction. 

Praise You in this storm

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say, Amen and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on if I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Deficit

She came with a cup of herbal tea, handed it to me and said, "Here you go, you've been working very hard for the event."

She was the one that made me felt so glad that I made the right choice. It was just a hi-my-name-is-so-and-so kind of introduction the first day we met, we did not click at all, and I never thought we would. Later on, we realised we were in the same workshop and same project. That gave us a little common ground for conversations to be built. 

She shared how she has been attending LG and how she has been enjoying it so much because the people are so nice. She shared how she has been serving in LG and in ministries. She shared how she wants to be baptised but is afraid of her parents' responses. She shared about the joy and peace she felt after her baptism. She shared how campus and street evax opened her eyes to many things unseen. She shared why she was so insecure of herself and the reason of her giving herself so much pressure on her studies. She shared her struggles in her studies and in reaching out to people. She trusted me with so much. Throughout the years, I have learned that it is a privilege instead of a burden to be trusted. She shared her knowledge, helped me with my courses and encouraged me so much. To be honest, I think she is one of the most selfless person that I have met in my life. 

One day she told one of our mutual friends that I was her only friend in the chemical engineering cohort. I did not feel proud of myself, really, but instead it got me thinking of what made me be considered as a friend? What did I do to deserve to be called a friend? It reminded me of a quote a pastor shared during one of my cousins' wedding. "A relationship is like a bank account. You can't expect to keep withdrawing and not get into debt if you do not deposit anything into it." True that, pastor.

If only I can be as much of a friend to her as how she is to me. 

Gift

“If someone, regardless of the situations, stands by you and tries his best to understand what you’re going through even if you don’t speak, you’ll know you’ve got a friend.” One friend told me that just this afternoon. Without giving it much thought, I swept it behind my mind in seconds.

Later in the evening, my housemate came home with an (extremely advanced) birthday present for me. I have to say, very frankly, that gift did not mean anything to me. Anybody could have bought me a birthday present. Family members, teachers, secret Santa, even a stranger whom I have not met. It was just a birthday present. What’s the big deal?

It was the thoughts that she had that struck me. The thought that she actually paid attention to what I said (that I needed a new wallet because mine broke); I didn’t even stress on my point, it just came out of my mouth as a random complaint on a random day. The thought of her knowing I am so busy that I most likely would not have had the chance to get it for myself. The thought of her actually caring to know what I like and what I don’t. The thought of her thinking so far ahead because she was afraid that I will get one for myself if she was too slow to act. The thought of her just understanding what is going on with me and in me even if I haven’t been talking to her much these days. The thought of her even willing to spend time on such petty things. The thought of her being such an encourager when things get tough.

One might think, such small thoughts, anyone could have done that, no? Sadly, I know I could easily list out hundreds of people that I know who wouldn’t do that. But I am glad that I can list one who would, for me.  

P/S: To that friend, if you so happened to be reading this, know that your thoughtfulness is much appreciated by this tiny soul here, and also many others who have yet to express their gratitude to you! :)

Safe

"A boat in the dock is the safest, but it isn't doing what it is made for." - AL, 2014

Hole

"There is a God-sized hole in everybody's heart that can only be filled by God.
And similarly, there are many human-sized holes in God's heart that can only be filled by each individual that He created. He wants to have that relationship with us, but are we willing to respond?" - QZ, 2014

Awesome

5 minutes of just the same 4 lines of lyrics, yet on replay. Still gives me goosebumps.

Let the world declare.

The parable of the unmerciful servant

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18:21-35 NIV)

Teach me, O Lord. 

Old days

I don't remember the last time having a good conversation with anybody. 

I don't remember the last time seeing sun. 

I don't remember the last time enjoying the fresh air. 

I don't remember the last time my room being this messy.

I don't remember the last time not having to think about my assignments.

I don't remember the last time having a proper meal.

I don't remember the last time watching a movie, or reading a book, or simply just relaxing and not do anything. 

I miss them old days. 

Forgiveness

I went in late for my chemistry practical session today. In the midst of rushing, my tutor specifically said he wanted to see two other friends and I before we started this week's experiment. I panicked. Well, obviously there was only one possible reason to which he wanted to see us: plagiarism. And I tried not to think about it. 

My guess was spot on. And I had this terrible feeling in me. Part of it was rage, and the other part, helplessness. If anything, I hate being wronged, I'm pretty sure nobody likes that. The reason why I felt that way was because my tutor actually thought I copied my friend's answer, which in fact, was totally the other way round. Also, no apologies were done. But I guess, there was just no point for me to explain myself. 

It was indeed a lesson of forgiveness. Not easy, but I am making through it, at least I hope I am. 

***

They say I am a sensitive person. I wouldn't disagree. The smallest act you do can just change my mood instantly. Or maybe I just judge to quickly. Like today, a friend of mine held the door for me, and I was like whoa. Well, I reckon to many, that would be too insignificant a deal to be bothered, but to me, it shows at least the slightest respect. Anyways, I was just grateful. 

Taking things for granted

I was recently nominated by a friend of mine to do a thankfulness challenge. Basically, I just have to list a few things/people that I am thankful of, and it goes on for five consecutive days. I am currently on my second day, but I am already struggling with it. It makes me realise how often I take things for granted, there are actually so many things to be thankful of, yet often we don't see them.

***

Back to where I left it off yesterday, my English teacher replied my email!!!! I was so excited that I immediately told a few friends of mine. They must have thought that I was crazy, it was just an email! LOL.

***

Mom asked me how do I feel about my friends who are flying off soon to study in the UK, and if I still have any regrets coming over to Australia. It's funny how mom thinks that bringing this matter up will cause an emotional turmoil within me. But I am glad how thoughtful and sensitive she is. Anyways, I told her that I am fine now, that this matter will not affect me anymore, especially after the Future Conference that I attended. 

I guess God just have different ways to speak to people and wake people up. For whatever He has in store for me in the coming 3 years (I still can't believe I am almost completing my first year already), I am ready!

No random act

Recently, I was required to do an annotated bibliography of the research project that I am involved in. The first person that came across my mind was Ms Crain, my English and American History teacher back when I was in the US for an exchange program. I am extremely grateful for her teaching me how to do an annotated bibliography from scratch, and did not mind my ignorance at all. I was so overwhelmed with emotions (I have no idea why) that I decided to send her an email telling about what I am up to now. I hope she has not changed her email address yet. Oh well, I will find out when (or if) she replies. Fingers crossed!

Also, I am grateful for those working in the international postal service. The mails that I sent out a couple of weeks ago have all arrived at their respective destinations! A shoutout to my host families and coordinator for being awesome!

All in all, I am grateful for these (not so) random strangers whose lives crossed paths with mine and added colours to it.

***

The Blue Man smiled. "No, Edward. You are here so I can teach you something. All the people you meet here have one thing to teach you."
Eddie was skeptical. His fists stayed clenched. "What?" he said.
"That there are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind."

"I still don't understand," Eddie whispered. "What good came from your death?"
"You lived," the Blue Man answered.
"But we barely knew each other. I might as well have been a stranger."
The Blue Man put his arms on Eddie's shoulders. Eddie felt that warm, melting sensation.
"Strangers," the Blue Man said, "are just family you have yet to come to know."

The Five People You Meet in Heaven is probably my favourite book of all time.

Future

“Will you choose to believe that what God has planned for you today is better than what you have planned for yourself?”

Will I?

This is a question of dream life vs reality. All the while wanting to save up as much as I can so that I get to see the world, I’ve never realized how selfish my dream can be. It was all about me. I want to go, I want to see, I want to try, I want to experience, I want to learn. I wouldn’t say that for all kinds of traveling, but at least for mine. All I had in mind was to buy richness from traveling, yet I have not thought about the poor, physically and spiritually.

When I was being prayed for, the interceder mentioned the potential of influence lying dormant in me, yet in adversities I will still be a flower on parched lands and be a blessing to others. Will this even be possible if I were to hold on fast to my dreams instead of thinking of ways to bless others’ heart with the resources that I have?

There are so many things to think of:

What if, all these while, God has just been a passenger or a spare tyre in my life?

What if, I do not have anybody to detect the blind-spots in my life?

What if this people ministry that I am involved in doesn’t revolve around God?

A part of me shatters when I think of how many people don’t even know the purpose of living, or what they should be pursuing in life. You only live (or die) once, putting aside the fact that we’ll have eternal life, but a life without Christ is a pointless pursuit, for the very reason we exist is to give glory to God.

 “For I know the plans for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Initially driven by peer pressure, I did not regret going for the Future Conference a wee bit. Despite being so busy in life, I'm glad that of so many people, God chose to speak to me.

"Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us."

Chat

Had a conversation about ‘having a conversation’ with a couple of friends over brunch and coffee this morning. We were debating on how the line is drawn between a chat and a conversation?  It really got me thinking a little, like how much of my daily conversations are actually real conversations instead of just a hi-bye routine? It was indeed a good morning of catching up session, although not much catching up was done since we pretty much see one another every other day. But all in all, time well spent.

Headed back to uni for the second round of conversation. This time round, it was more like a discussion with my fellow teammates on the research and data collection that we are doing, and also a getting-to-know-you-better kinda talk. I came to realise that my other group mate is actually pretty friendly after all, and also super smart and passionate about what he is doing. He is even picking up Indonesian ‘cause he plans to work there in future! 

Third round, with my awesome supervisor and another PhD student, basically, people that I’ve met through this research project. However, our chats are usually not limited to (and most of the time not related to) our research topic, which is about energy poverty. More often than not, we end up talking about politics, social work, languages, cultures and whatnot, which makes these conversations all the more interesting. They are both engineers, and they have been to many places around the world and experienced different cultures and lifestyles due to their work. Maybe my dream to travel around the world can be realized after all.

I really miss the times when I actually have real meaningful conversations with people, random people, even strangers. 

On a side note, [bunker], checked.

Grateful

I am just extremely grateful for my parents who brought me up well. This really isn't about comparing with others, neither is it to boast how good I am, don't get me wrong. Back then, I didn't understand why they had to be so strict toward my siblings and I, having extremely high standards on the things that we do. But now, I totally get their heart. And I'm glad that they made us go through all that 'training' to make us who we are today. 

Bento

I got a message from one of my life group mates this morning saying that she cooked lunch for me. Sometimes I really wonder how these people have the time to do all these. I barely can breathe with the schedule that I have that I even have to skip meals at times. Saying all this, I am thankful for their hearts. 

Stop and stare

I hate Mondays, simply because I have 8am classes, and I don't like getting out of bed early. Today is not any different, and I was running slightly late to be on time for my first class.

I walked pass a Korean guy trying to get directions from a domestic student to the bus stop. I looked at my watch and walked on. The Korean and I were heading to the same direction, but not the Australian.

I wished I had listened to the inner voice calling me to stop and help that guy, but I didn't. I was extremely disappointed with myself after what happened that I decided to slow down my pace, tailed that Korean and made sure that he went to the right direction. I wonder if anyone else was in my shoes, would they stop and help too?

Broken

I don't remember the last time I was so stressed that I broke down. At least, not until last night. I am supposed to hand in an annotated bibliography due in two days, but I have no clue at all if I am even on the right track. I've read countless articles, but to me, they all look the same. How am I supposed to summarize them and determine whether they are useful or relevant to my research?

The stress that I was facing, adding onto the overdose of caffeine, I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried to, which then led me to overthink about my assignment, which led to more stress, and the vicious cycle just went on and on till I finally broke down. Feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted yet unable to put your mind to rest is probably the worst feeling ever. That slow torture, I would never want to experience again. 

In the state of helplessness I prayed. Hard. And I called home. I finally understood, when the world turns against you, the best place to go is still home. With the encouragement and support I got, I was so comforted after that phone call. I am blessed to have such a family. 

***

One of the reasons why I didn't want to tell my brother about what I'm going through is because I KNOW that he will definitely want to meet up with me if he knows. And I don't have time for that. But my mom just HAD TO ask him to check on me, which he did, and insisted that he will come over. Now, he is cooking dinner for me, despite himself being so busy with work. Also, he decided to help me with my work, and we ended it of with yet another powerful prayer of his. I have always enjoyed his company.

***

I don't expect anybody to understand what I am going through. But my housemate did. I came back from church to see a note on my table, asking me to hang on in there. I know she loves Kit Kat, and it's frigging green tea flavoured, who can say no to that?! But she left it there on my table. I'm grateful beyond words. 

Why blog?

Why blog?

I don't know. 

To be frank, I really haven't given any thoughts about why I started blogging. If you think I am good at expressing myself with words, no I am not. I have extremely limited vocabulary, mediocre (or worse than that) descriptive skills and passable grammar. But still, I enjoy blogging. 

Not until recently that I finally have a revelation by accident as to why I blog. I am taking the two worst subjects any first year engineering student can do in my first year, both of which requires me to do reflections/journals, and they are graded! Rambling and ranting don't get you anywhere, what they are looking for is critical thinking. We even had a class on that!

Often, when we learn lessons from experience, we keep them in mind for a while, satisfied with the little that we have gained. Sadly, we do not realize that it is when we really sit down, reflect on the experience, and put everything in words that we learn a lot more. And when I say A LOT, I mean it. 

Another obvious benefit of putting reflections into words is that when you re-read what you have written in the past, it can be a reminder as to how much you have grown, and also a check on your current status, whether you have continued further, stayed stagnant or fallen behind.

I shall not be lazy to put my thoughts into words again. 

Spiritual journal?

As much as we would love to remember every moment of our lives, we are so painfully human, in that we have limitations with our memory capability. To make matters worse, often times we remember the bad things that occur to us but not the good things. Because of these very reasons, I've decided to start a spiritual journal, to record every blessing that I've received, be it small or big. I have to admit that every time I read back my previous posts, I will be taken aback when I am reminded of how much grace and blessings that have been lavished on me, yet is forgotten as time passes by. 

I know I have this blog running for a while already, but usually I just blog about big 'events' that happen in my life. Now will be its turning point. 

I headed to uni this morning to have a start on my assignment that is due in three days. Yes, I am a procrastinator and no, I am not proud of it. It was only when I got to uni that I realized I left my adapter at home, which means I will not be able to charge my laptop should the battery die. On any other days, I would just head home to get it, since I just stay a 10-minute walk away. But it was raining and my toe was still hurting from the wound that I got last week. I didn't know what to do. 

Also, as soon as I got to uni, my housemates told me that they will be heading for grocery shopping. I thought I should go as well, 'cause I didn't go with them the previous week and I felt bad the entire week. At the same time, I was reluctant to carry all my things (laptop and study materials) along to grocery shopping 'cause it's raining.

Right when I was contemplating what I should do next without my travel adaptor and with all my stuff, a fellow friend called and told me that she was in the library, too! Lo and behold, she has a travel adapter, and she said she will be there the whole day and I can just leave my stuff with her!

I didn't know what to say, but all I am sure of is that this wasn't a coincidence. 

Click

Photography is an art too hard to fathom. Art, in general, is abstract and extremely subjective. Yet, I don't know since when, I have fallen in love with it, and couldn't step out of it since. Somehow, it gives me the peace in my heart. 

I do not detest people who take tonnes of selfies or group photos, but to me, ideal pictures are candids or simply photos without anyone in them. These are the photos that really capture the moment without faking, which is ultimately the whole point of photography, to store memories in the physical/digital realm. 

They say you've gotta learn to stop taking pictures wherever you go and just live the moment. Sometimes, I have to agree; but other times, I really can't help it. Too often, my friends will just continue walking on without realising I've disappeared into my own world of photography. And even if they do, they have learned to just leave me alone. They know, it is almost impossible to replicate a moment. Once gone, it will forever be irretrievable.

I have always wanted to create a photoblog. However, the lack of confidence hindered me from doing so. All I know is to click off a camera/cellphone, I don't know anything about ISO, aperture, shutter speed, photo editing and so on, as a photographer should. I must admit, sometimes it's a mental torture to love to do something yet not be good at it. But a friend of mine successfully erased my doubts on my own abilities. She said, it isn't about all the photography skills but but that gift of having the photographer's eye and heart. It's about the passion, the gift of knowing how to look for angles and perspective. Encouragement and support from family and friends really did help. 

So I've finally decided to give it a go. Being a newbie, I can spend hours and hours just scrolling down online pages of professional photographers, observing how different people take shots with different styles. Also, I have promised myself to familiarise myself with the many photography skills and functions on a DSLR during my summer break this year. I believe God granted me this gift for a reason, and I want to bless others with the little I can do. 

For all who are interested, you're more than welcomed to check out my new photoblog! http://lensesonthemove.blogspot.com.au is the link, and I'm on Instagram too! http://instagram.com/enyingcheah @enyingcheah, #lensesonthemove. To make life easier, I've decided to create direct links to both my photoblog and Instagram from this blog, it's on the left to this blog. Feel free to comment, any advice or suggestions are much appreciated, I'm willing to learn! :) 

Reaching down

When beyond our understanding

You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the floods

You're faithful forever, perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

The knot on a rope

I've never actually talked about my previous relationship. I guess I was just unwilling and unready to accept the fact that it happened. But a conversation with a friend recently got me thinking about this issue once again. 

"Why do people settle for something less when they know they shouldn't?" That's like asking, why do people still smoke when they know it's bad for their health? In my opinion, there is no perfect answer to that question, it can be due to desperation, loneliness, dependence etc. 

My friend was telling me how she used to be so emotionally attached to a guy whom she knew she shouldn't be together with. And when she finally got back to her senses, it took her four years to fully forgive herself, despite knowing the fact God has already forgiven her long ago. She then questioned God, why did He have to let her walk through that four years of suffering and pain. Later on, when she looked back, she finally understood. All along, it was God's plan to let her stand firm on her decision to pray for the right person and the qualities she wants to see in him, and to obediently wait for God's timing. 

Her story reminded me so much about myself. The only differences are that I've actually stepped into that relationship knowing that I shouldn't, and that I didn't take as long to recover. For a long time, I lived in the shadow of guilt and self-reproach. I used to read books about relationships and thought, who in the right mind will do such things? Until I made those mistakes myself. And when I looked back at those books after everything ended, each sentence seemed to be screaming out to me, YOU FOOL!

People say I look strong, people say I look mature, people say I look independent. But all these don't prevent one from making mistakes. I am so painfully human. 

Ask me if I regret stepping into my previous relationship, and my answer will be no. I've made my mistake, and because of that, today, I realize I am so much more determined of what kind of a person I want my significant other to be. I am no longer easily swayed or persuaded. I guess I just had to learn it the hard way. 

Give up

Sometimes I'll think that I'm born to give up. I gave up on so many things in life of which, now looking back, I wish I hadn't. Being Asian, it isn't a surprise to be sent for badminton lessons, swimming lessons, calligraphy classes, ballet classes, piano lessons, art classes altogether in a week. If you think that's too much to bear for a child, I have friends who went for more classes than that in a week! I really wonder how they managed it. 

As years pass, I just got so busy with life (this is the best excuse I came up with, which after all, isn't so convincing still) that I eventually quit all of these classes or lessons one after another. Now, I not only lost all my physical stamina, I wasted the opportunity to develop my talents too. I can hardly run, do laps in the pool, play the piano or guitar or paint anymore. 

I remember how mom used to tell my brother and I that she sent us for piano classes so that one day we will be able to serve in church. Back then, I didn't see the importance of that. Now, whenever I see people serving in church, a small part of me gets jealous of their talents, but a larger part of me regrets on my lack of determination.

Thinking of how God gave everyone different gifts or talents, and that I've not put them into good use, or have I tried my best to discover them, i can't help but feel guilty at times. The next time I get an opportunity, giving up is no longer an option. 

On a side note, I'm trying to pick up the guitar once again! 

Week Four

I thought I could finally have some good rest to recuperate after a busy holiday, but once again, I was wrong. Apparently, our life group was in charge of the outreach event on a few days during orientation week. I never knew that orientation can be of such importance until today. What we were to do is to help new students get around campus, get them settled down, at the same time let them know about life group, church and our events, if they are interested.

This, obviously, was WAY beyond my comfort zone. I already have issues starting a conversation with people whom I know, and now what's required of me is that I go talk to people whom I don't even know their names. Immediately, I knew I was being pushed to my limit. I hardly have the courage to even go up and talk to a random stranger, what would he or she think of me? But deep down in my heart, I knew this wasn't about me anymore, this was about God. I had to learn this, by hook or by crook.

Joy. She was standing there, looking at her map, and then looking to her left and right. That is the best way to tell that a person is lost. My partner and I walked up to her. Indeed, she needed to go to the bus stop and we walked her all the way. Along the journey, she told us how her dad came to know Christ and got baptized, while she remained an atheist. Still, we told her that God's love is for all and she is always welcomed to receive it.

Emi, a Japanese-British who is here for an exchange to do her Masters in Education; Justice, a green-haired girl who claimed that she got her name because her parents are parents are hipsters; Jie Wei, a computer science PhD student who did his Bachelors and Masters in computer science as well. Emma, Vivian, Yuki, Clarence, the list goes on. Behind every name, there are stories yet to be revealed.

Within this short period of time, I've learned so much that I wouldn't have, should I stay home all day and rot. I learnt that:
1. God works in marvelous ways. I've met people whom stay so far away from our church/life group venues that I thought they wouldn't take the trouble to travel all the way to join us. If I were them, I might have just declined the offer, but no, they seemed so keen to join! I was indeed blessed by their positive responses.
2. general knowledge is of paramount importance. I have this friend who knows almost everything, or at least, a little bit of everything, which turns out to be extremely useful to keep a conversation going.
3. it really isn't that hard to offer someone your help, even if it is a stranger. When they are desperate, and your assistance came in handy, as long as it is sincere, they usually will just accept it.
4. prayer do change things. Before setting out for the day, we prayed for divine encounter, and indeed throughout the few days, I saw God's hands moving in our midst. We met the right people at the right times at the right places and said the right things.
5. everybody has a different way of approach, but despite being different, we only have one ultimate goal, which is to show people God's love.
6. everybody has his or her own interesting story to tell, and it is indeed a privilege to be on the listening end.
7. it is not always about what you gain in return. Genuine help usually comes from within, and there can be nothing more satisfying than to see the person you've helped happy.

***

I overheard a conversation of my friend volunteering at a soup kitchen. It has always been on my to-do list, but has yet to be accomplished. And now that the opportunity is wide open in front of me, how can I miss out? During the induction session, the lady in charge warned us things that we should avoid doing or saying, and also things that might happen such as gang fights. This got me a little worried, to be really frank, what have I gotten myself into?

I was first inspired by my other friend to volunteer at soup kitchens. I remember him telling me about his experience, where he met a old man saying to another old man these exact words: 'How can you steal my cardboard box? That is my house!' To us, a cardboard box is like any other cardboard boxes, and often times mean nothing to us. To them, it is their shelter, their life, their privacy, their everything.

Newcomers get to take a ride in the van to Emma Miller Place where food will be served, so that we can experience setting up the tents and tables. 

When we arrived, those scattered around the place made a line in no time, waiting in anticipation for the food to be served. 

This was totally not what I've pictured. There was zero percent violence and hundred percent politeness. I was serving them mixed vegetables soup and I warned them that it was really hot. The response I expected to get was simply an 'oh okay', but what I got while serving these people was like as if I saved their lives. Some even said things like 'have a good day ahead' or 'thank you so much for your time spent on us' or 'such kind heart you have there to serve us'. Despite being homeless, they are grateful for what they are given and not rant about what they lack.

These people didn't want to be where they are, I believe, but life just forced them into their current situation. My heart goes out for these people. I heard there was this guy who used to be a chef at this very soup kitchen but he became homeless and couldn't bring himself to help out any more. Life is as cruel as it can be.

Every second spent with these people are worth it, they need company. More importantly, they need to experience God's love. No matter how different they might seem to us, they are just as treasured and loved in God's eyes. I didn't get to talk to many of the homeless this time round, but I did manage to have a chat with a couple of the volunteers. To know their heart is such a blessing. This, indeed, was a humbling experience. 

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brother and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"(Matthew 25:40) Amen to that! Now, I couldn't wait till the next time I get to come back.

Despite a busy holiday, I am glad that it was well-spent. 

Sydney

Day 1

I really need to start of this post by saying how overjoyed I am seeing Germany win the World Cup!! I've been supporting them ever since the 2006 World Cup and words can't describe how happy I am to see their hard work finally pay off. Not only that, Klosé even broke Ronaldo's goal records in the World Cup. They totally deserved the trophy. 

This is my first road trip with my friends in my entire life. I have mixed feelings about this trip to be honest. On the one hand, I was really looking forward to this trip. But on the other hand, after my Melbourne trip earlier this year, I don't know if I could travel in a group again. Oh well, I guess a change sometimes is good. 

Our flight to Sydney was exactly during the World Cup final, what a bummer! But we had an uneventful flight. In fact, I even maximized my time learning Japanese. I've been to Sydney 7 years ago, but surprisingly I hardly have any memories of this place. It really feels good to be touristy - getting lost, asking around and finding our way. 

Initially, we thought we missed the bus stop that we should get off the bus to get to our accommodation. Little did we know that we actually got off the stop right in front of the accommodation!

It took us FOREVER to look for a place for lunch, because everyone wanted to go to a high-class restaurant. Ironically, we ended up going to a food court. Haha so much so of wanting to have high class food. We walked down Circular Quay and randomly met this group of Germans who were still very excited about their country's victory. They asked us if we could help take pictures for them and we ended up taking a photo with them. 

We did a little bit of walking today, mainly to see the Opera House and Harbour Bridge from different angles. The most enjoyable thing I did today was the ferry ride. I love ferry rides - the wind, the scenery, the bumpy journey make it altogether fun. 

We headed off to Darling Harbour at night and tried to compensate for our lack of high-classness in the afternoon by dining at the Hard Rock Café. To be honest, I think it is overrated. But then again, I don't really have a tongue for good food anyways, so I shouldn't comment. 

Finishing my one month's quota of data right at the beginning of my trip isn't a good thing. Now, I live on other people's hotspot or free wifi zone. But I think sometimes in life, we really have to learn to let go of some things that we deem are important, but in fact are not.

I can foresee that this trip is going to be very different from any other trip that I have had in the past, because different people have different priorities. But I shall treat this as another learning opportunity, to get used to living with people. 

Day 2

Zoo. I really don't know what to think about today. As you can tell, I'm not an animal person. I can drive all day seeing scenery or visiting historical buildings or museums or art galleries (although I don't really appreciate artworks, I still enjoy seeing them), but food and animals are completely out of my usuals. 

We had the option of Taronga Zoo or Madame Tussaud's wax museum, and obviously we all went for the zoo. The zoo was HUGE, I'm not even exaggerating. The animals were so adorable. You'd think that only the plush toy manufacturers make their products look cute. But no, in real life, those animals are jut as cute! The reactions of little kids when they see the animals are even more priceless. What made the trip fun was the company I had. We are real good commentators when we want to be, lol. 

There were too many animals exhibited that after a while I gave up taking pictures. I also enjoyed the seal show very much. It really made me realize how wonderful God's creations are, from the tiniest microorganisms till the largest animals. Sadly, we didn't get to see a platypus. 

We headed to the Bird Cage Alley after that, but unfortunately, by then, the sky was already too dark for any decent photos to be taken.

Queen Victoria Building was our next destination. Boy, the architecture in there are just so delicate, giving the entire building a classy and majestic look. And obviously, this is quite a posh place, with shops of many branded goods. 

Isn't it amazing that no matter how far away from China you go, you'll still be able to find a Chinatown somewhere? Funny how we get tired of western food so easily that we resolve with Chinese food eventually, despite growing up with Chinese food for practically our entire lives. 

On our way home, our bus stop was directly in front of the Anzac War Memorial, so I went over to have a look at it's outside. This, is the kind of things I will appreciate. To whoever who gave up their lives in various battles, you guys are the heroes. Lest we forget. 

Day 3

We finally had our mandatory beach day today! I realized that I can't go with a holiday trip without a day at the beach. It was super gloomy (and drizzling) when we left our accommodation. We totally had no idea how to get from our place to Bondi beach, and the bus driver, being grumpy and unfriendly, did not make our journey any easier. Good thing we met an elderly who so happen was heading toward the same direction who gave us directions to our destination. 

I hate it when beach days are gloomy. Somehow, it changes the entire mood of the environment. I couldn't be any happier when the clouds finally disappear.

I think Asians are born with the photo-taking genes. We spent close to four hours at the beach, and we didn't even go for a swim or surf or picnic. The only thing we did was posing and taking pictures, tons of them. I have to say that the view was breath-taking, though, and worth the pictures taken. I'm glad my 'craving' was satisfied. Beach day, checked. 

By the time we had lunch, it was almost sunset. I hate how we have such short day light time during winter. However, a visit to The University of Sydney is still a must. Whoever said that USyd is pretty, they aren't lying. The main building gives a tinge of ancientness to the modern buildings surrounding it. The sad thing was that my phone memory was full and I had no choice but to organize a massive deletion of photos, else I won't be able to take more pictures. 

A Taiwanese dinner was a good way to end the day. On a random note, we managed to brave the 10 centigrade weather in shorts, people must have thought that we were crazy, but who cares? 

Day 4

Seven years ago, I see people on the train all with newspapers or books in their hands while on public transport. Seven years later, which is now, I see people with electronic devices in their hands. Times have changed, life goes on.

Sometimes I wonder how life would be without public transport. In my mini 'voyages' around Australia, I have been so dependent on trains, buses, trams and ferries that I've forgotten how tough life was back home where public transport isn't the most convenient mode of transport. Moreover, long rides is one of the efficient means for me to slow down my pace in life, reflect, and analyse. 

Today, I revisited the place with thousand memories - Blue Mountains. We took the train down to Katoomba Valley. Note to self: one day, I will have to hop on a scenic train, at least once in my life.

Somehow, I still have vivid memories of my previous trip to Blue Mountains. The panorama up in the mountains is exhilarating. The wind was blowing so hard that there were times we felt like we're being blown off the ground. The Three Sisters still stood faithfully as it did seven years ago. 

I finally get to go on the world steepest train again! Well, it definitely was a fun ride. Thank God that the weather was perfect while we were there because it started raining after we left Blue Mountains National Park. It feels good to be back.

Day 5

We woke up with the news of MH17 being shot down by a missile at the Ukraine-Russia border. This is the second tragedy Malaysian Airlines had to face in less than half a year. The stories of the innocent souls keep haunting me as I see news after news, pictures after pictures of these people on social media. They didn't deserve what they experienced, and my heart goes to all those lives and their families. 

I am not a foodie but when it comes to fish, I go crazy. We went to Sydney Fish Market today and just the sight of all the seafood alone made my day. You can say I'm easy to please. I had salmon, calamari and scallop for lunch. Man, I really wish I could buy more and bring home some. I never thought I would miss seafood so much.

We didn't have any plans for the rest of the day so we decided to walk around the city. We had an impromptu visit to a playground and had tonnes of fun there. Swings are still my best friend. Back home in Malaysia, only those who are 12 and below are allowed to play in playgrounds. 

Day 6

We had no plans at all today so we randomly jumped off a bus, walked around city aimlessly till we found a place we felt like having lunch. This went on till dinner. Or I should say, tea break, because we came across Pancake on The Rocks and we were all up for a sugar rush, so we went in. The pancakes were pretty good, to be honest, but after a while, you get really tired of them. Fireworks at Darling Harbour was a perfect end to our entire Sydney trip. 

Indeed, this wasn't the kind of trip I was looking for. We spent more time on food, sitting back and chatting than anything else. In fact, it was the most relaxing trip I've had in a long time. There are still tonnes on my bucket list that has yet to be accomplished - Blue Mountains hike, Coogee to Bondi Beach walk, Sydney Opera House tour, Harbour Bridge climb and also Pylon Lookout. Oh well, I guess I will have to make another trip here again. However, I was glad I still came for it because only then I get to spend more time with this bunch of lovely people. After all, it's another whole new experience for me. 

Our 'pre-return party' which starred apple cider and Cluedo turned out to be a failure because everyone, including myself, were too preoccupied with our phones. But oh well, it was a fun trip indeed. 

Now, I'm on a plane heading home to reality. Boy, am I not excited for school again. 

Peace out from all of us!