Chat

Had a conversation about ‘having a conversation’ with a couple of friends over brunch and coffee this morning. We were debating on how the line is drawn between a chat and a conversation?  It really got me thinking a little, like how much of my daily conversations are actually real conversations instead of just a hi-bye routine? It was indeed a good morning of catching up session, although not much catching up was done since we pretty much see one another every other day. But all in all, time well spent.

Headed back to uni for the second round of conversation. This time round, it was more like a discussion with my fellow teammates on the research and data collection that we are doing, and also a getting-to-know-you-better kinda talk. I came to realise that my other group mate is actually pretty friendly after all, and also super smart and passionate about what he is doing. He is even picking up Indonesian ‘cause he plans to work there in future! 

Third round, with my awesome supervisor and another PhD student, basically, people that I’ve met through this research project. However, our chats are usually not limited to (and most of the time not related to) our research topic, which is about energy poverty. More often than not, we end up talking about politics, social work, languages, cultures and whatnot, which makes these conversations all the more interesting. They are both engineers, and they have been to many places around the world and experienced different cultures and lifestyles due to their work. Maybe my dream to travel around the world can be realized after all.

I really miss the times when I actually have real meaningful conversations with people, random people, even strangers. 

On a side note, [bunker], checked.

Grateful

I am just extremely grateful for my parents who brought me up well. This really isn't about comparing with others, neither is it to boast how good I am, don't get me wrong. Back then, I didn't understand why they had to be so strict toward my siblings and I, having extremely high standards on the things that we do. But now, I totally get their heart. And I'm glad that they made us go through all that 'training' to make us who we are today. 

Bento

I got a message from one of my life group mates this morning saying that she cooked lunch for me. Sometimes I really wonder how these people have the time to do all these. I barely can breathe with the schedule that I have that I even have to skip meals at times. Saying all this, I am thankful for their hearts. 

Stop and stare

I hate Mondays, simply because I have 8am classes, and I don't like getting out of bed early. Today is not any different, and I was running slightly late to be on time for my first class.

I walked pass a Korean guy trying to get directions from a domestic student to the bus stop. I looked at my watch and walked on. The Korean and I were heading to the same direction, but not the Australian.

I wished I had listened to the inner voice calling me to stop and help that guy, but I didn't. I was extremely disappointed with myself after what happened that I decided to slow down my pace, tailed that Korean and made sure that he went to the right direction. I wonder if anyone else was in my shoes, would they stop and help too?

Broken

I don't remember the last time I was so stressed that I broke down. At least, not until last night. I am supposed to hand in an annotated bibliography due in two days, but I have no clue at all if I am even on the right track. I've read countless articles, but to me, they all look the same. How am I supposed to summarize them and determine whether they are useful or relevant to my research?

The stress that I was facing, adding onto the overdose of caffeine, I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried to, which then led me to overthink about my assignment, which led to more stress, and the vicious cycle just went on and on till I finally broke down. Feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted yet unable to put your mind to rest is probably the worst feeling ever. That slow torture, I would never want to experience again. 

In the state of helplessness I prayed. Hard. And I called home. I finally understood, when the world turns against you, the best place to go is still home. With the encouragement and support I got, I was so comforted after that phone call. I am blessed to have such a family. 

***

One of the reasons why I didn't want to tell my brother about what I'm going through is because I KNOW that he will definitely want to meet up with me if he knows. And I don't have time for that. But my mom just HAD TO ask him to check on me, which he did, and insisted that he will come over. Now, he is cooking dinner for me, despite himself being so busy with work. Also, he decided to help me with my work, and we ended it of with yet another powerful prayer of his. I have always enjoyed his company.

***

I don't expect anybody to understand what I am going through. But my housemate did. I came back from church to see a note on my table, asking me to hang on in there. I know she loves Kit Kat, and it's frigging green tea flavoured, who can say no to that?! But she left it there on my table. I'm grateful beyond words. 

Why blog?

Why blog?

I don't know. 

To be frank, I really haven't given any thoughts about why I started blogging. If you think I am good at expressing myself with words, no I am not. I have extremely limited vocabulary, mediocre (or worse than that) descriptive skills and passable grammar. But still, I enjoy blogging. 

Not until recently that I finally have a revelation by accident as to why I blog. I am taking the two worst subjects any first year engineering student can do in my first year, both of which requires me to do reflections/journals, and they are graded! Rambling and ranting don't get you anywhere, what they are looking for is critical thinking. We even had a class on that!

Often, when we learn lessons from experience, we keep them in mind for a while, satisfied with the little that we have gained. Sadly, we do not realize that it is when we really sit down, reflect on the experience, and put everything in words that we learn a lot more. And when I say A LOT, I mean it. 

Another obvious benefit of putting reflections into words is that when you re-read what you have written in the past, it can be a reminder as to how much you have grown, and also a check on your current status, whether you have continued further, stayed stagnant or fallen behind.

I shall not be lazy to put my thoughts into words again. 

Spiritual journal?

As much as we would love to remember every moment of our lives, we are so painfully human, in that we have limitations with our memory capability. To make matters worse, often times we remember the bad things that occur to us but not the good things. Because of these very reasons, I've decided to start a spiritual journal, to record every blessing that I've received, be it small or big. I have to admit that every time I read back my previous posts, I will be taken aback when I am reminded of how much grace and blessings that have been lavished on me, yet is forgotten as time passes by. 

I know I have this blog running for a while already, but usually I just blog about big 'events' that happen in my life. Now will be its turning point. 

I headed to uni this morning to have a start on my assignment that is due in three days. Yes, I am a procrastinator and no, I am not proud of it. It was only when I got to uni that I realized I left my adapter at home, which means I will not be able to charge my laptop should the battery die. On any other days, I would just head home to get it, since I just stay a 10-minute walk away. But it was raining and my toe was still hurting from the wound that I got last week. I didn't know what to do. 

Also, as soon as I got to uni, my housemates told me that they will be heading for grocery shopping. I thought I should go as well, 'cause I didn't go with them the previous week and I felt bad the entire week. At the same time, I was reluctant to carry all my things (laptop and study materials) along to grocery shopping 'cause it's raining.

Right when I was contemplating what I should do next without my travel adaptor and with all my stuff, a fellow friend called and told me that she was in the library, too! Lo and behold, she has a travel adapter, and she said she will be there the whole day and I can just leave my stuff with her!

I didn't know what to say, but all I am sure of is that this wasn't a coincidence. 

Click

Photography is an art too hard to fathom. Art, in general, is abstract and extremely subjective. Yet, I don't know since when, I have fallen in love with it, and couldn't step out of it since. Somehow, it gives me the peace in my heart. 

I do not detest people who take tonnes of selfies or group photos, but to me, ideal pictures are candids or simply photos without anyone in them. These are the photos that really capture the moment without faking, which is ultimately the whole point of photography, to store memories in the physical/digital realm. 

They say you've gotta learn to stop taking pictures wherever you go and just live the moment. Sometimes, I have to agree; but other times, I really can't help it. Too often, my friends will just continue walking on without realising I've disappeared into my own world of photography. And even if they do, they have learned to just leave me alone. They know, it is almost impossible to replicate a moment. Once gone, it will forever be irretrievable.

I have always wanted to create a photoblog. However, the lack of confidence hindered me from doing so. All I know is to click off a camera/cellphone, I don't know anything about ISO, aperture, shutter speed, photo editing and so on, as a photographer should. I must admit, sometimes it's a mental torture to love to do something yet not be good at it. But a friend of mine successfully erased my doubts on my own abilities. She said, it isn't about all the photography skills but but that gift of having the photographer's eye and heart. It's about the passion, the gift of knowing how to look for angles and perspective. Encouragement and support from family and friends really did help. 

So I've finally decided to give it a go. Being a newbie, I can spend hours and hours just scrolling down online pages of professional photographers, observing how different people take shots with different styles. Also, I have promised myself to familiarise myself with the many photography skills and functions on a DSLR during my summer break this year. I believe God granted me this gift for a reason, and I want to bless others with the little I can do. 

For all who are interested, you're more than welcomed to check out my new photoblog! http://lensesonthemove.blogspot.com.au is the link, and I'm on Instagram too! http://instagram.com/enyingcheah @enyingcheah, #lensesonthemove. To make life easier, I've decided to create direct links to both my photoblog and Instagram from this blog, it's on the left to this blog. Feel free to comment, any advice or suggestions are much appreciated, I'm willing to learn! :) 

Reaching down

When beyond our understanding

You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the floods

You're faithful forever, perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

The knot on a rope

I've never actually talked about my previous relationship. I guess I was just unwilling and unready to accept the fact that it happened. But a conversation with a friend recently got me thinking about this issue once again. 

"Why do people settle for something less when they know they shouldn't?" That's like asking, why do people still smoke when they know it's bad for their health? In my opinion, there is no perfect answer to that question, it can be due to desperation, loneliness, dependence etc. 

My friend was telling me how she used to be so emotionally attached to a guy whom she knew she shouldn't be together with. And when she finally got back to her senses, it took her four years to fully forgive herself, despite knowing the fact God has already forgiven her long ago. She then questioned God, why did He have to let her walk through that four years of suffering and pain. Later on, when she looked back, she finally understood. All along, it was God's plan to let her stand firm on her decision to pray for the right person and the qualities she wants to see in him, and to obediently wait for God's timing. 

Her story reminded me so much about myself. The only differences are that I've actually stepped into that relationship knowing that I shouldn't, and that I didn't take as long to recover. For a long time, I lived in the shadow of guilt and self-reproach. I used to read books about relationships and thought, who in the right mind will do such things? Until I made those mistakes myself. And when I looked back at those books after everything ended, each sentence seemed to be screaming out to me, YOU FOOL!

People say I look strong, people say I look mature, people say I look independent. But all these don't prevent one from making mistakes. I am so painfully human. 

Ask me if I regret stepping into my previous relationship, and my answer will be no. I've made my mistake, and because of that, today, I realize I am so much more determined of what kind of a person I want my significant other to be. I am no longer easily swayed or persuaded. I guess I just had to learn it the hard way.