Deficit

She came with a cup of herbal tea, handed it to me and said, "Here you go, you've been working very hard for the event."

She was the one that made me felt so glad that I made the right choice. It was just a hi-my-name-is-so-and-so kind of introduction the first day we met, we did not click at all, and I never thought we would. Later on, we realised we were in the same workshop and same project. That gave us a little common ground for conversations to be built. 

She shared how she has been attending LG and how she has been enjoying it so much because the people are so nice. She shared how she has been serving in LG and in ministries. She shared how she wants to be baptised but is afraid of her parents' responses. She shared about the joy and peace she felt after her baptism. She shared how campus and street evax opened her eyes to many things unseen. She shared why she was so insecure of herself and the reason of her giving herself so much pressure on her studies. She shared her struggles in her studies and in reaching out to people. She trusted me with so much. Throughout the years, I have learned that it is a privilege instead of a burden to be trusted. She shared her knowledge, helped me with my courses and encouraged me so much. To be honest, I think she is one of the most selfless person that I have met in my life. 

One day she told one of our mutual friends that I was her only friend in the chemical engineering cohort. I did not feel proud of myself, really, but instead it got me thinking of what made me be considered as a friend? What did I do to deserve to be called a friend? It reminded me of a quote a pastor shared during one of my cousins' wedding. "A relationship is like a bank account. You can't expect to keep withdrawing and not get into debt if you do not deposit anything into it." True that, pastor.

If only I can be as much of a friend to her as how she is to me. 

Gift

“If someone, regardless of the situations, stands by you and tries his best to understand what you’re going through even if you don’t speak, you’ll know you’ve got a friend.” One friend told me that just this afternoon. Without giving it much thought, I swept it behind my mind in seconds.

Later in the evening, my housemate came home with an (extremely advanced) birthday present for me. I have to say, very frankly, that gift did not mean anything to me. Anybody could have bought me a birthday present. Family members, teachers, secret Santa, even a stranger whom I have not met. It was just a birthday present. What’s the big deal?

It was the thoughts that she had that struck me. The thought that she actually paid attention to what I said (that I needed a new wallet because mine broke); I didn’t even stress on my point, it just came out of my mouth as a random complaint on a random day. The thought of her knowing I am so busy that I most likely would not have had the chance to get it for myself. The thought of her actually caring to know what I like and what I don’t. The thought of her thinking so far ahead because she was afraid that I will get one for myself if she was too slow to act. The thought of her just understanding what is going on with me and in me even if I haven’t been talking to her much these days. The thought of her even willing to spend time on such petty things. The thought of her being such an encourager when things get tough.

One might think, such small thoughts, anyone could have done that, no? Sadly, I know I could easily list out hundreds of people that I know who wouldn’t do that. But I am glad that I can list one who would, for me.  

P/S: To that friend, if you so happened to be reading this, know that your thoughtfulness is much appreciated by this tiny soul here, and also many others who have yet to express their gratitude to you! :)

Safe

"A boat in the dock is the safest, but it isn't doing what it is made for." - AL, 2014

Hole

"There is a God-sized hole in everybody's heart that can only be filled by God.
And similarly, there are many human-sized holes in God's heart that can only be filled by each individual that He created. He wants to have that relationship with us, but are we willing to respond?" - QZ, 2014

Awesome

5 minutes of just the same 4 lines of lyrics, yet on replay. Still gives me goosebumps.

Let the world declare.

The parable of the unmerciful servant

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18:21-35 NIV)

Teach me, O Lord. 

Old days

I don't remember the last time having a good conversation with anybody. 

I don't remember the last time seeing sun. 

I don't remember the last time enjoying the fresh air. 

I don't remember the last time my room being this messy.

I don't remember the last time not having to think about my assignments.

I don't remember the last time having a proper meal.

I don't remember the last time watching a movie, or reading a book, or simply just relaxing and not do anything. 

I miss them old days. 

Forgiveness

I went in late for my chemistry practical session today. In the midst of rushing, my tutor specifically said he wanted to see two other friends and I before we started this week's experiment. I panicked. Well, obviously there was only one possible reason to which he wanted to see us: plagiarism. And I tried not to think about it. 

My guess was spot on. And I had this terrible feeling in me. Part of it was rage, and the other part, helplessness. If anything, I hate being wronged, I'm pretty sure nobody likes that. The reason why I felt that way was because my tutor actually thought I copied my friend's answer, which in fact, was totally the other way round. Also, no apologies were done. But I guess, there was just no point for me to explain myself. 

It was indeed a lesson of forgiveness. Not easy, but I am making through it, at least I hope I am. 

***

They say I am a sensitive person. I wouldn't disagree. The smallest act you do can just change my mood instantly. Or maybe I just judge to quickly. Like today, a friend of mine held the door for me, and I was like whoa. Well, I reckon to many, that would be too insignificant a deal to be bothered, but to me, it shows at least the slightest respect. Anyways, I was just grateful. 

Taking things for granted

I was recently nominated by a friend of mine to do a thankfulness challenge. Basically, I just have to list a few things/people that I am thankful of, and it goes on for five consecutive days. I am currently on my second day, but I am already struggling with it. It makes me realise how often I take things for granted, there are actually so many things to be thankful of, yet often we don't see them.

***

Back to where I left it off yesterday, my English teacher replied my email!!!! I was so excited that I immediately told a few friends of mine. They must have thought that I was crazy, it was just an email! LOL.

***

Mom asked me how do I feel about my friends who are flying off soon to study in the UK, and if I still have any regrets coming over to Australia. It's funny how mom thinks that bringing this matter up will cause an emotional turmoil within me. But I am glad how thoughtful and sensitive she is. Anyways, I told her that I am fine now, that this matter will not affect me anymore, especially after the Future Conference that I attended. 

I guess God just have different ways to speak to people and wake people up. For whatever He has in store for me in the coming 3 years (I still can't believe I am almost completing my first year already), I am ready!

No random act

Recently, I was required to do an annotated bibliography of the research project that I am involved in. The first person that came across my mind was Ms Crain, my English and American History teacher back when I was in the US for an exchange program. I am extremely grateful for her teaching me how to do an annotated bibliography from scratch, and did not mind my ignorance at all. I was so overwhelmed with emotions (I have no idea why) that I decided to send her an email telling about what I am up to now. I hope she has not changed her email address yet. Oh well, I will find out when (or if) she replies. Fingers crossed!

Also, I am grateful for those working in the international postal service. The mails that I sent out a couple of weeks ago have all arrived at their respective destinations! A shoutout to my host families and coordinator for being awesome!

All in all, I am grateful for these (not so) random strangers whose lives crossed paths with mine and added colours to it.

***

The Blue Man smiled. "No, Edward. You are here so I can teach you something. All the people you meet here have one thing to teach you."
Eddie was skeptical. His fists stayed clenched. "What?" he said.
"That there are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind."

"I still don't understand," Eddie whispered. "What good came from your death?"
"You lived," the Blue Man answered.
"But we barely knew each other. I might as well have been a stranger."
The Blue Man put his arms on Eddie's shoulders. Eddie felt that warm, melting sensation.
"Strangers," the Blue Man said, "are just family you have yet to come to know."

The Five People You Meet in Heaven is probably my favourite book of all time.

Future

“Will you choose to believe that what God has planned for you today is better than what you have planned for yourself?”

Will I?

This is a question of dream life vs reality. All the while wanting to save up as much as I can so that I get to see the world, I’ve never realized how selfish my dream can be. It was all about me. I want to go, I want to see, I want to try, I want to experience, I want to learn. I wouldn’t say that for all kinds of traveling, but at least for mine. All I had in mind was to buy richness from traveling, yet I have not thought about the poor, physically and spiritually.

When I was being prayed for, the interceder mentioned the potential of influence lying dormant in me, yet in adversities I will still be a flower on parched lands and be a blessing to others. Will this even be possible if I were to hold on fast to my dreams instead of thinking of ways to bless others’ heart with the resources that I have?

There are so many things to think of:

What if, all these while, God has just been a passenger or a spare tyre in my life?

What if, I do not have anybody to detect the blind-spots in my life?

What if this people ministry that I am involved in doesn’t revolve around God?

A part of me shatters when I think of how many people don’t even know the purpose of living, or what they should be pursuing in life. You only live (or die) once, putting aside the fact that we’ll have eternal life, but a life without Christ is a pointless pursuit, for the very reason we exist is to give glory to God.

 “For I know the plans for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Initially driven by peer pressure, I did not regret going for the Future Conference a wee bit. Despite being so busy in life, I'm glad that of so many people, God chose to speak to me.

"Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us."