Week one

You know that you're in a good conversation when you wish it will never come to an end.

The first week of my winter break was rather eventful, I would say. I had way too many dates over meals. I really wish I could have more, to be honest, but somehow the schedules just wouldn't work out.

Monday. I went out with a new believer for lunch. I was all nervous before the 'date', and started questioning myself why did I make that appointment. I was so worried that I will run out of topic to talk about and the atmosphere will fall into awkward silence 'cause she is a very quiet girl. Then I realized, all my worries were unnecessary. We had such a good chat that I wished time would pass slower. She shared about that time when she told her parents about her water baptism, how she see God moving in her life, how she is starting to serve in cell group and so on. I love how the passion for His kingdom is burning so vigorously in her. "When I look back at all my past worries, I realize they are so insignificantly small. There are so much more to life than just studies. God changed the way I looked at things, and I'm glad that it happened", she said.

Beforehand, I wrote her a letter telling her that I am very encouraged seeing her grow so much in faith in such a short period of time. Later on, she replied my letter by thanking me for having so much faith in her, for showing her how God can use ever a flawed person like her to encourage others. She'd never thought that I was once like her, but she is really excited to know about that because she knows how much God can transform her as long as she learns to let Him work in her. 

Wednesday. I went out with one of my ex-housemates back when I was in college. I finally got to visit her humble shack as I have planned to do so long ago, had lunch with her, and talk about life. It's funny how we stayed in the same apartment for 1.5 years yet we barely talked. And now, we talk so much it is difficult to get us to shut up. Life is oh so interesting. I've never imagined a day when we two will get close. And to be honest, I don't even remember how we got this close. According to her, it was me who took the first step (which I totally have no memory of doing so). But I'm sure glad it happened. 

Saturday. Our life group had a post-exams celebration cum water baptism weekend. Listening to the testimonies of the two person who were going to be baptized, I saw how God works in different people through different ways. One of them is my brother's friend since back in college, and the story that he told was of that part of his life that few knew about. I came to a conclusion: there is a gospel story in everyone's life that can only be told by him or her and none others. It's such a blessing to see how the rest of the group encouraged them in their new journey in life. Later on, a life group mate asked me if I regretted coming over to Australia. Surprisingly, my answer was no. I've found a family here, why should I?

This week, through the many conversations (and actions of others), I learned so much about how to be a good friend, instead of always expecting of others to be one. And I will end with how I started, you know that you're in a good conversation when you wish it will never come to an end.

Default

Growing up in a Christian family, I've never really experienced what it feels like seeking and finding. My 'default religion', if there even is such a thing, is Christianity. I attend children church, youth fellowship, cell group and Sunday service.

Sometimes, I really wish that I was a non-believer. I want to have the feeling of really seeking for what I want and finally find it. At least, you know that it is truly you that made that choice. Often times, I feel that many ex-non-believers, when they eventually find what they were looking for and accepted Christ, are much more passionate and enthusiastic than many of those who grew up in Christian families. They grow so much faster spiritually than we do. 

But then I realize that that shouldn't be the case. Everyone, regardless of their family background, should have their own personal encounter with God that leads to their decision of being a follower. God has His own plans for us when He placed us in different family backgrounds, He has different ways to reach out to us, too. 

I have a friend who recently just accepted Christ, whom I knew from uni. Her testimony is just amazing. She used to think so lowly of herself, causing her to shut herself from people. Then came the day when she realize there is this God who loves her so much despite her imperfections. Ever since, her life totally changed. To be really frank, I am very encouraged to see her grow so fast and so much in her faith and her heart for God's kingdom. She is already serving in her cell group and is planning on joining a ministry in church soon. Look at me, I am still lazing stagnantly in my comfort zone. 

And I wonder why God doesn't use me as much as others, and I wonder why I grow slower than others. Maybe it's really time for me to start thinking of how I can be of more use in His kingdom. 

A mistake?

"You give me the feeling that you're the type of person who loves nature."
"When I first met you, the first thing that crossed my mind was that, 'whoa, this girl is too cool, I better not mess with her'."
"Do you swim? 'Cause your shoulders are quite broad for a girl your size."
"You just have this aura with you, I don't know how to describe it."
"Gosh, when I first knew you, you were so quiet, and look at you now!"
"I wouldn't have talked to you if you and I were of the same age, you just look too scary. But now, knowing that you're two years younger actually makes a lot of difference."
"Well, I wouldn't say you're unapproachable, I wasn't intimidated, I just never thought that we can click this well and have an unending conversation."
"My first impression of you is that you really know what you're doing, I like your confidence."
"I would never have guessed that you're a Malaysian from your English accent, or even your Mandarin accent."
"You're quiet? Neh, I wouldn't say so."

I have this habit of trying to back-track how I first got to know someone, and recalling the first few moments, often awkward, when we just met. I find it very interesting to know what someone first thought of me, and if they still think of me the same after knowing me for a while. It amazes me how different people notice different aspects of a new person they meet. Some pay more attention to one's outward appearance, the way they dress and bring themselves, some read other's body language and facial expressions. It also exemplifies how some people are straight forward in their speech, while some are more comfortable with euphemism. More interestingly, different people might say totally contradictory things about a person they just meet. For example, some think that I am quiet, and others don't. I guess, at the end of the day, it boils down to how close you are to that person, and also how different people have different ways of thoughts.

Yesterday, I was with a group of friends who tried to relate me to a couple of mutual friends, finding someone with a similar personality as I do, but was in vain. I got reminded of Psalms 139:14, 'You are fearfully and wonderfully made', which is indeed true. Every one of us is made so similar yet so different, we are all so unique in God's eyes.

What others think of you doesn't really matter after all. Good first impressions do not give you eternal security. What people think of you might not be who you really are. There is no point to fake who you are in order to get acceptance from the people around you, or try to be someone you are not. Because the Creator knows what is best, and He does not make mistakes. You, are not a mistake.

D-day

Random thoughts are racing in my extremely sleep-deprived mind right now. I guess I am just overwhelmed with a plethora of emotions. This is just one of them.

ENGG1100 is finally over. To be honest, I have rather mixed feelings about that. It was just the first engineering course of my four-year degree and I already feel like giving up, and starting to question myself why I chose engineering in the first place.

My project team consists of two international students (Me, and another guy whom so happened is from Malaysia as well) and four fresh high school grad domestic students. I still can't get over the fact that they are all just 17 or 18. Anyways, this team is not the best make-up, I would say. My group leader is super outspoken and overly optimistic about things. Sometimes it's a good thing 'cause it keeps the team spirit up, sometimes, it just hinders progress. We have stubborn teammates, as well as some who are take action too quickly before thinking it through. Teamwork isn't great, but it wasn't too bad. Things get done on time most of the time, like as in, exactly on the dot with no allowance at all. I think the greatest problem between the team and I (and probably the other Malaysian guy) is that the domestic students spend a lot of time talking about drinking, high school days and stuff. I mean, it's all new knowledge, but sometimes it's just too hard to relate. Or maybe I just sort of gave up trying after a while.

It was a rough ride for our team. After making the decision to get flower pots as the vessel for our system, there basically was no turning back for us. So for the rest of the weeks, no matter how badly the system failed, we pretty much still had to try our best saving it, by sealing it with silicone close to a million times. When silicone failed, duct tape was the solution, which ended up not working. In the end, we gave clay putty a try. Anyways, after all the trouble, we still did not manage to get a perfectly sealed system. It always is that one tiny hole that appears when all hopes are high, it was just so disheartening.

After the first testing day, we found out that our system not only did not reduce bacteria but instead increased it. There was also zero nitrogen removal. We knew we had to do some modifications, so we just randomly introduced pine mulch into the system without having an actual research on it. At that point, I was too tired to care already.

So, demo day is today. Our system leaked again. The initial flow rate was so low that we couldn't collect any treated water in our collection bucket at all. The treated water was still turbid. The system did not treat bacteria to the required standard. The pH of the water increased significantly. In short, the system went wrong in every possible way. We did not do great, but at least we passed. The best feeling was when we dumped our prototype into the bin and everything just shattered in front of us. That would have been the part I enjoyed the most thus far.

The final report was also an issue. Everybody in the team seems to feel like we pretty much have everything done till the very last week, when we realized that we are far from getting it completed. It was also quite disappointing that I've posted my final design in the group for so long but nobody cared to look at it till the very last minute. However, to be frank, after I saw all the hard work done by my group mates, I kinda felt bad 'cause I did not even contribute 5% of the total number of pages of the report. I know I can justify that sketching is pretty time-consuming and extremely exhausting. But I reckon all the other parts are equally complicated, 'cause if anybody were to ask me anything about the calculations, I would have no clue at all about what's going on. Again, my teammates think that we've done a great job. But after me proofreading the report, there were just so many loopholes and contradictions everywhere.The final results will tell, but I really have no expectations on it.

ENGG1100 is undoubtedly a challenging course. It really exposed me to many aspects of being an engineer. I've met new people and learned to work with new people. On a random side note, the best part is that my project leader Shaun, a Taiwanese who pretty much lived his entire life in Australia knows my hometown in Malaysia! In fact, he has even stayed there for three weeks, and we had a good chat about his trip to Malaysia LOL. Such a nice guy he is.

Pledge

“As surely as the Lord your God lives,” she replied, “I don’t have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die.” Elijah said to her, “Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small loaf of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord sends rain on the land.’ ” She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the Lord spoken by Elijah. (1 Kings 17:12-16 NIV)

It's the time of the year when my church has its annual fundraising month again. Over the weeks I had been praying hard, asking God what He wants of me. But every time I did so, I couldn't help but to calculate how much allowance I am given by my scholarship and also my monthly expenditures, to see how much I can give to God. 

It was a vigorous negotiation between God and I. The amount that God placed in my heart was totally beyond what I can spare. I kept explaining to God that if He were to take that much away from me, I won't have sufficient left for myself to go on with the month. 

One day, I stumbled upon the scripture above. That definitely wasn't the first time I've read that passage because they taught us that in Sunday school. Guilt consumed my entire being. Growing up in a Christian family, I couldn't believe that I had so little faith in God. 

On the very day that we had to pledge, I was on my knees again, debating with God about how much I should give Him. But God just showed me a train of memories of moments of my life which, without Him, none of them would have happened. In a whisper, He asked, "Will you be willing to give me part of what belongs to Me?"

I couldn't hold back my tears. Come to think about it, God has never ever shortchanged me in any way at all. In fact, time and time again, I was blessed in ways I never should have been. So, should we give Him just what we can spare?

God is so rich, He doesn't even need us to give Him anything. What He looks at is the willing heart of men. He doesn't really care how much we give Him, but He wants us to believe that He can do wonders even with the little that we give. More importantly, He wants us to have faith in Him that He can multiply what we we have left. I was so encouraged by His reassurance that no matter what the circumstances are, He never fails to provide.

I had so much peace in my heart after pledging. But this is just the beginning of the walk of faith. There is still a long way to go. 

I believe, greater things are yet to come.